My Life...Uncensored

2010-05-16T09:31:00.003-05:00

Hi all!

I apologize for being nonexistent for the past five months. The motherboard fried on my computer around Christmastime, and I have yet to replace it. Not to mention that I am now working two jobs temporarily...I can't wait to have my free time back!

Let's see...what has been going on in my world?

-I am still discontent at work. MMs bestie is trying to pull strings to get me hired out where he works...I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

I lost a loved one a few months ago. Her death was sudden. She was 49, and she left behind two teenage girls. She did not have a burial policy, so my family had to come up with money to bury her--which essentially has caused strife between family members. Nonetheless, the holidays was extremely trying this year. Not to mention, family gatherings will never be the same without her presence. She was the life of the party...heck, she was the life of our family. I'm getting tear eyed just thinking of her because it's still hard to believe I won't hear her voice again.

-I am going to come up with new initials for MM because MM isn't a MM anymore....more on that to come.

Time for me to get ready to head out. I will try to update via phone more often.

I Need Your Opinion

2009-12-16T08:42:00.003-06:00

Hi.

I have a dilemma that is very serious in nature. I can't really talk to anyone about it because I would divulging very personal information, so I'm turning to my blog for help.

I know this woman who is HIV positive (I will call her H). However, I'm not supposed to know--I was told this information by a few of her family members. Mind you, I am not very close to H--she's more of an acquaintance.

The issue at hand--everytime I see H out and about, she goes home with a different guy. Already, I had to let H's cousin know that she was interested in this one guy we are both friends with, and her cousin warned the guy about her condition.

Last night, I was out, and H and this guy that I know---they were flirting. I even overheard him say that he wanted to leave and go somewhere else. My dilemma is--how do I handle this?? Do I tell the guy personally that he should get tested, OR do I not say anything? I feel like I'm doing a HUGE injustice to not say anything at all.

Already, this has changed my behaviors, because now when I go out, I have no idea who has been with H, and I find that to be a tad bit disturbing to say the least. Talk about a wake up call!! Talking to H about her behavior is not an option, because apparently her family members have already tried multiple times to no avail. From what I understand, she only gets mad and doesn't talk to people when they beat her over the brain that she should be more careful.

This sucks.

Coming Out Of Hiding

2009-11-06T12:41:00.001-06:00

Hi everyone!!! I guess it's about time that I come out of hiding. For a while, I was a bit undecided on how to proceed with this blog...I have a few visits from my area logged on the sitemeter, and I have no idea who it could be. I could go private but I don't feel like that's the way to go. But for the sake of preventing craziness from happening, I will refrain from discussing certain topics (people) in detail on here. I am finally in a place of peace and by no means am I trying to get sucked back into the past.

So what have I been up to?? Keeping hella busy. When I leave work, I either meet up with friends, or go somewhere to listen to live music. I have taken up my hobby of Latin dancing again, so that keeps me occupied as well. And it's my favorite time of year.... FOOTBALL season lol (what, did you think I would say the Holiday season??!! Bah humbug lol)

Well, I will catch up on my reading asap. Until next time, everyone take care!!

2009-08-24T22:26:00.002-05:00

The past few weeks have been extremely emotional for me, and it seems like I have spent a lot of time crying. And yes, it's over him.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel like MM is not worthy of my tears, but it still hurts. I'm hurting because I knew better to even get involved with him to begin with. I am better. I'll post about what happened at a later date---when I'm not so emotional and can think coherently.

Tonight, my friend (who's shoulder I have been crying on a lot lately...more than I cared to, but I love her for always being there for me) made me make a list of demands. She made me write out a list of minimum requirements that I have to demand from any guy that I date. It's a small list, but hey, it's a start. So....here it goes:

1. They have to be single---as in no girlfriend, and definitely no wife.
2. They have to respect me.
3. I can't be the only person making an effort (as far as communication or spending time together)...it has to be 50/50.

Seems simple, right? Well, simple seems hard to find nowadays. Oh well. Whatever.

This is not like me to be weepy all of the time....it seems like I've lost myself. Here's to getting back on track.

Getting it Up

2009-08-06T22:47:00.005-05:00

Ahhh, the joys of sex...or not being able to get any.

I hope that I don't offend anyone with this post. If so, don't take it personal.

I want to talk about something that has been somewhat of an 'issue' in recent years. Not a big issue, but an issue none the less.

When I was in my early 20s, it was rare to come across men who had.....issues in the bedroom (in case you're wondering what I'm speaking of, I'm talking about erectile dysfunction). I could have sex for what seemed like hours, and life was grand. I did come across one or two men who would...go soft in the middle of sex, and then attempt to ram a soft penis into my apple pie hole---that would only leave me feeling---sad. I'm serious, after getting my hopes up of a great night of sex, I would get a little sad and depressed because---the anticipation of a great night of sex never materialized.

A decade later.....sex is different. I tend to date men who are about five or more years older than me, so...I've come to realize that erectile dysfunction is more common than not for me nowdays. Maybe it's because I live in a party city and there's a lot of alcohol consumption going on. I dunno.

Well, my question is.....is it okay to suggest a supplement?? Is it taboo for me to say, "your stamina is not quite what it used to be..." Okay, I wouldn't be that frank about it, but is it okay or not okay to make that suggestion? I know that sex is greatly linked to a man's ego, and to suggest that he's not quite 'hitting the mark' is a blow to the ego so.......what is a girl to do??!! Now, I'm not afraid to say what I want and don't want in bed, but how do you tell someone that erectile dysfunction is a problem?

A Month Later...

2009-07-30T21:16:00.001-05:00

Hi All!!

Since the last time I blogged, I can't report of anything new...persay.

I have grown more and more discontent with my job. Now, it's at the point where I have many days where I sit in my car when I arrive to work for 30 minutes just trying to talk myself into going inside. There are many a day lately where I leave work and have a strong drink...yesterday my boss and I actually had one together after work, because she wanted to vent about her stresses. I wanted to tell her, "what you're experiencing, you're doing the exact same thing to me." But that saying that would probably get me fired.

I planned to enroll in school--since we have a hiring freeze enacted at work, I can't get tuition reimbursement. Which sux.

My love life?? Status quo. I meet men, but nothing ever materializes.

And MM?? Well.....

It seems like we're getting along. I'm sure that's only temporary. Especially since his wife is keeping a tighter reign on him.

Apparently, his wife is making comments to him about his infidelity (I was right--she knows), and is keeping a close watch on him. They came together to his friend's party this weekend (which is odd because she never attended social events until recently). She was visibly upset the entire time she was there--she sat in a corner and didn't say anything to anyone, while MM left her side and mingled. After being at the party for maybe 15 minutes, she stormed out, and MM was not too far behind. Apparently, she gave MM a hard time about me being there.

Sooo...that's what I've been up to. A month later, same shit, just a different day. So much for making changes.

Pause

2009-06-23T21:23:00.007-05:00

A lot of times when I sit down to write, nothing comes out (unless I'm venting about some weirdness with MM lol). Lately, I have been a bit concerned about my anonymity--especially since the last time I had a blog, I was 'found out' (even though I never put pictures of myself up). There are a lot of things that I want to write about, but can't because it would blow me completely out of the water. I could go private....but that defeats the title of this blog.

So...for right now, I am going on hiatus. I will still hang around and comment, but for right now, I will not write. I have a strong feeling that some changes are about to occur, so I need to sit back and focus on making things happen in my life and getting myself together for whatever is to come.

I'll be back soon:) Everyone take care, and I'll be visiting!!

2009-06-20T23:25:00.003-05:00

Friday came and went....no phone call from MM. So much for "spending time with me."

He did call today.

For the most part, I was distant during the whole conversation. I think I've had it with him right now.

"Since we're on the phone right now, I'm going to wish you a Happy Father's day. I know you will be tied up, so I'm not going to bother you with a phone call tomorrow."
"I'm working tomorrow, so it's cool. What are you doing?"
"Excuse me?"
"Where are you?"

I hesitated for a moment, then I realized that I haven't had a real conversation with this man since this conversation.

"Why??? You shouldn't care since I haven't seen you in a while, right?"

He chuckled.

"I'm just saying..."
"I'm coming to see you on Monday or Tuesday."
"I'm working, so that doesn't work for me. Besides, you wanted to see yesterday and I didn't hear from you."
"I'm coming to see you on Monday or Tuesday night."
"You are only as good as your word. And your word is worthless to me."

I'm sorry, I've had it with him. I don't care anymore.

Sounding irritated, he said, "Hmmm. So now I'm a convulsive liar????"
"I'm just saying, I don't count on you to keep your word about anything with me. I would be crazy if I did expect you to."
"Hmmm. So you are saying I'm a convulsive liar."
"Majority of the time, you don't keep your word with me. Maybe you should work on that."

After I said that, I felt bad, but at the same time, I felt it should be said. I understand that he has obligations, but all that I ask for is a phone call every now and then. When things are good, I get that from him. But when the phone calls are scarce and his focus is elsewhere, whenever he makes plans, I don't even get the courtesy of a phone call when he doesn't show...even the next day or days after. It's like he thinks his shit doesn't stink when it does.

"Perhaps."
"Well, let me let you go. I have to go myself."
"Do you?"
"Yes, I do. Enjoy your day tomorrow. Bye bye."

I was proud of myself. I did exactly what I said I would do with that conversation...keep it short, and at the same time, let him know that I was not pleased with him. I think I'm at a point where I'm trying to put distance between us. I haven't been hanging out at Our Friend's house, and I think if I stay away from there, I will have a great chance of staying away from him as a whole. I mean, he expects me to answer his phone calls immediately, but when he doesn't call me even a day or two later, he's exempt??!!

I'm beginning to realize just unfair this whole ordeal is to me, and I don't like it one bit.

I Want to Escape

2009-06-18T21:50:00.005-05:00

Today, I returned from one of the most fun filled vacations that I've ever had. It was nice to escape my life for a few days. It did not take too long after my return for my reality to slap me in the face and kill the post vacation buzz that I had going.

I came home, undressed, and got into bed...slept for a few hours, since I had the bright idea to just stay out last night until we had to get to the airport for 445am this morning (I am so feeling the effects of lack of sleep right now).

Not too long after I woke up from my nap, MM called. I hate to say it, but when I saw his number on my screen, I felt a bit of....dread. For some reason, I just sensed that I would not enjoy this conversation.

"Hi MM."
"Hey. Are you at home yet?"
"Yes, I'm in the bed as we speak. I'm so tired."
"Tired from partying all week?"
"I'm tired because we stayed up all night until we boarded the plane this morning."
"I bet you partied your ass off. I called and left messages, and you didn't even bother to return any of them. I figured you were having the time of your life."
**He did call me while I was away and left messages, but you know what?? For once, I did not return his phone calls or voice messages. I didn't want to think about him while I was away. And since he wasn't really calling before I left, I didn't feel the need to talk to him while I was away.**
I chuckled. "Actually, I did. I hated to come home. So....how have you been?"
"I'm okay. I've been working everyday since you left."

Awkward silence for a few seconds.

"Well, I'll let you go since you were sleeping."
"I wasn't sleeping when you called. Are you working tomorrow?"
"Yes, bright and early. When do you go back to work?"
"Monday."
"That's when I'm off again. Actually, when I get off on Sunday, I'm on vacation for a week."
"Is that right?"
"Yeah. I've decided to go on the trip to Florida."

With that statement, my day went from good to bad in 0.5 seconds. I have no idea why I was so disgusted...I should have known he would go on vacation with his wife.

Again, there was an awkward silence...he was silent trying to gauge my reaction...I was silent because my heart was in my fucking throat.
"How long will you be away?"
"A week."
"Well, good for you!!" I knew I was being sarcastic, but I am furious!! Okay, maybe I'm bit jealous. This really caught me off guard. Maybe it's just that I'm just getting home, and I didn't want to hear this shit tonight!! I mean, he ruined my night with this crap!!
"Well, a few of my friends and their wives are going as well."
"That's wonderful. I'm sure you will have a nice trip."
"I don't know about that."
"You don't know about what?"
"If it will be a nice trip or not."

I just ignored that statement. It's apparent to me that MM is full of shit.
"Well, all of a sudden, I am sleepy after all." I faked a yawn.
"Okay, I'll call you tomorrow when I get off."
"Whatever. I don't think that would be a good idea. We'll catch up after your trip, okay?"
"Miz, please, don't be upset. I wanted to see you tomorrow."
I sighed. The last thing I want to do is see him. Or touch him. Or be near him.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
He sighed and changed the subject. "Did you buy me a hat like you did last time?"
"I bought something for you, but it's not a hat."
He chuckled. "Oh, my baby thought about me....I'll come and get it from you tomorrow, okay?? I want to spend some time with you before I leave on Tuesday."
"Goodnight MM." I hung up the phone without listening for a response.

Now, as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm crying. Why??? Not because he's taking a trip with his wife....he's supposed to do that. She is his wife, and that's what husbands are supposed do with their wives. I'm crying because for four days, I didn't have to deal with any of this. I didn't have a care in the world. I didn't have to think about MM and his wife, or my job, or how chaotic my life has been the past few years. Now that I am home, I realize that I don't want to do this anymore. I had a discussion with a friend the other day, and she told me that I looked like I had a lot of things weighing on my mind when she first saw me on Sunday. She said I looked like something was tearing away at me. I couldn't do anything but agree. Yes, all of this crap is taking its toll on me. I have wrecked havoc to my own heart, and I'm at a job where I don't feel appreciated.

I wish I could just make it all just disappear. I don't believe in running from problems, but I don't feel like any of the things I'm enduring right now are things that I need in my life long-term. At this moment (and really, I've been considering this all week), I feel like I need to move the hell away from here. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, maybe not, but that's how I feel right now.

2009-06-13T09:06:00.005-05:00

This has been a crazy week. I'm trying to seek new employment because my boss is not making any real effort to give me the pay increase that she promised back in September. If I was not in charge of reconciling our monthly expenses and did not have a clue of the funds she has to use, then it would be no biggie since we are in a recession. However, in the past, she has always been slow to give pay increases (I even left to go work elsewhere for 6 months and came back when she bumped my pay by $7000/year), so I feel the need to go elsewhere again, especially since my work load has increased threefold in the past two years. The only issue is that there are not a lot of jobs available (which is an issue everywhere).....aye yay yay.

This week, I guess I've been evaluating my friendships. Some of the people that I hang around are not my real friends, and some things happened this week that showed me just that. Needless to say, I spent the past two days going in my phone and deleting phone numbers. I'm someone who take my friendships seriously, so when you do something to stab me in the back, or repeatedly do so, I can't ignore it anymore.....I let the person go. Life is too short to have to deal with silliness. And the thing of the matter is I hang around people who are mostly 10 years older than I am, but some of them are more immature than people 10 years younger.

And as predicted, MM has not called since our conversation the other day. I deleted his number too. I'm debating whether or not to give him a father's day phone call...I'm leaning towards no. I'm kinda at a point where I'm ready to move on from this fuckery.

But whatever. I'm leaving to go on vacation tomorrow. I need a week to not think about this crap. You all take care while I'm away!

Update: I thought Father's Day was tomorrow!! See how out of sorts I am!!! lol

2009-06-10T22:27:00.003-05:00

Soooooo.....

Apparently, I was right in my whole analysis of the situation.

"Soooooo....I just have to ask, because I'm trying to understand exactly what is going on..... and I feel that since I'm an involved party, I have the right to know. Do you remember the conversation we had on Sunday, or were you shit faced?
Playing dumb. "What exactly do you want me to remember?"
"About your wife...."
"Oh yeah, I remember. Well, if she knows, she has not said anything to me."
"Well, she knows. I'm saying that from a woman's perspective...for her to make the comments that she did while I was sitting there, she knows, and she wanted to let me know she knew."
"She hasn't said anything to me."
"Do you really expect her to?"
"No.......I believe you, trust me, I do. I guess she wouldn't say anything to me.....yet."
"I don't think she would."
"My guess, she doesn't have anything concrete.....she hasn't gathered enough evidence... so she wouldn't."
"I've come to that conclusion as well. Now, my question to you.....what exactly are you trying to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"I've noticed how careless you have become with your actions. At your brother's party...you were grabbing me in front of everyone...including your parents. You're usually more discreet. What has gotten into you?????"
Chuckling, he said, "I don't know."
"The moment she left on Sunday, you were grabbing me, and her friend was watching me...I looked up and our eyes met....you were not as discreet as you have been in the past...that's why I told you to stop. Now, I want to know, exactly what are you doing....are you trying to let her figure it out on her own, by your actions? Do you not care if you get caught??"

After a long pause, he said "I don't know."
I repeated his words. "I don't know."
"I don't know."
"Well, you know what? Thank you for the attempt at honesty. I wish you had told me that she would be there Sunday when you called though."
"I didn't know she was coming. She just showed up."
"Really."
"Really. She showed up after you. Is this what you're really all bent out of shape about?"

That statement let me know that he really is either oblivious or really doesn't give a crap's ass.

"Nooooo.......I want to get it all out in the open. I wanted to know exactly what you're doing."
"So you're trying to tell me to be more careful and to stop doing what I'm doing with you????"
"I'm just trying to delve into the mind of MM right now. Maybe it's the analytical side of me...I want to know what you're thinking. You say over and over you're living your life...that you are. But.....if I am going to be in the middle, I want to know what the hell you're thinking. That's all I want to know."

After a long pause, he said, "I don't know."
"Well, at least I know that much."

And predictably (I was surprised it didn't happen earlier in the conversation), he rushed off of the phone....
"Hey, I'm at work, I'll call you later."
"I'm working as well. I'll talk to you later babe."
"Okay. Bye."

So, to me, this conversation kinda proves that he indeed is being careless and does not care if she knows.

I had an open conversation with one of my compadres tonight....and his take on the entire situation is..... don't let him use me to get rid of her. He said he thought I was a better person to let myself get caught in the middle of something like this (but things happen sometimes dammit), and he said that I should just disappear until MM leaves her...because he's left her before and he went back.

Honestly, I am in a tail spin right now. I am being realistic about it all, but I guess sanity is setting in, and I feel like "Whoa.....I'm really setting myself up to be in the middle of craziness just for him to be with her at the end of the day." And just in all honesty, I never thought of it like that before. Before, I was just having fun, enjoying his company. Now, it's a new ballgame....she knows (even if she doesn't want to admit she does), and to me, unless MM knows what he wants to do, then is this even worth it??? What's the point of her knowing unless he's ready to take the ultimate step??!!!

Aye yay yay!!!

2009-06-08T23:33:00.003-05:00

After the party yesterday, we had the following phone conversation:

“What exactly are we doing? I mean, this is wild!!”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re not even trying to be discreet anymore. As soon as your wife left, you were grabbing my butt in front of everyone....I felt like her friends were watching me...I know you have to know that they will tell her something!”
“She doesn’t know anything.”
“I don’t think you understand...last week, she called your neighbor while I was sitting there beside him, asking him who exactly is that lady sitting beside him, because she doesn’t know of me....Today, she said ‘I know that’s her but... I’m the one he comes home to at night’. Then a few minutes later, she said ‘I should have stayed at work rather than deal with this crap. I would rather be at work than here right now.’ She knows who I am. What do you think she meant by those statements?”
“She doesn’t know anything.” Chuckling, he said, “You’re acting like a scaredy cat. What, are you afraid?” Apparently, he’s amused.
“I’m afraid for you, yes!!”
“Well, don’t be. I will be okay.”
“Look, I’m just trying to get you to think about this. Maybe now is the time to stop and think about what’s really important here.”
Predictably, he did what he does best when we enter territory he doesn’t want to discuss....he rushed off of the phone.
“I know what’s important, Scaredy Cat. I have to go. We’ll finish this discussion later.”

When he called tonight, he was a bit...reserved....I could barely get a good laugh out of him like I normally can. We didn’t finish our discussion from yesterday, because....well....I left well enough alone. As much as I wish I could, I can’t hold his hand and figure this out for him. He has to figure this out on his own. All that I do know is....if he falls off of the map again soon, I will have to understand why.

2009-06-07T21:41:00.005-05:00

This has been an interesting weekend.

Unfortunately, I can't reveal toooo much. But.....

MM's wife was at the party tonight......MM called me and asked if I would be there, but he never told me his wife would be there as well.

Anywhowhatever, I overheard her saying (while I was sitting at a table with her, at his friend's suggestion btw)....

"Yeah, I know that's her, but.......I'm the one he comes home to at night."

I felt uncomfortable, immediately. I was silent, and didn't talk to the people surrounding me after that comment.

MM's wife revealed that she was going on a trip (sans husband) for a week a little while after that...

As soon as I could, I left the table where she was sitting, and talked to some friends I knew who were at the party.

A little while later, I told his close friend what happened, and he was in denial (of course...'they' all stick together).

A little while later, MM's wife left, and I told MM what happened, and he even was in denial.

I believe that a woman's intuition overrules. I think she knows...otherwise, what the heck would she be talking about????????????

This situation is getting too sticky too fast!!

2009-06-01T20:39:00.003-05:00

I went to a graduation party yesterday (what else is new--someone is always throwing a party in this city) for one of MM’s close friends, and yes, MM was there. We stayed at the party for most of the day, and when the party was over, we relocated to Our Friend's house. We sat outside on a lounger in our own world for hours listening to music and talking.

We were talking and joking around, and all of a sudden he took on this serious tone.
“There’s something I want to say to you, that I’ve been wanting to say to you for a while...”
“Uh oh, what did I do now??!”
"Nothing."
"Well, whatever it is, it's my fault. It's always my fault."
“I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you. Can you stop the jokes for a few minutes and let me say what I have to say while I have the courage to do so?”
I thought to myself, “Uh oh. It’s one of those talks.” I said, “Sure, MM. What’s on your mind?”
“I want you to know something. And I need for you to just let me get it out before you say anything, okay?”
“Okay. You have the floor.”
“Sometimes people need to say how they feel rather than just express it. I want you to know that I care about you. You mean so much to me, and...."his eyes welled up with tears and his voice started to tremble--I didn't interrupt, I simply pulled his head into my chest and hugged him as he continued "it has been so hard to stay away from you. I mean, I love you, and who you are. And as hard as we try to pretend that we don’t mean anything to each other, I know that we do. I know you love me too ...”
"Yes, I do."

MM went on to tell me that the past few months, he stayed away hoping that the feelings he had for me would fade, but he realized that they haven’t. He told me that he saw what life is like without me, and he realized that was not what he wanted. He said whenever we’re together, it’s hard for him to leave me....at this point, my eyes started watering as well, because he was expressing my exact sentiments, and because I began to feel guilty—this was just supposed to be us having fun without complications (or so I fooled myself into believing). He told me that I was genuine, and that I like him ‘as is’, and that’s why he loves me. He told me that in the past, he wanted to do more with me, but couldn’t....He went on to say that he was trying to ‘figure everything out’ about what he will do because he wants more for me, and he wants to be with me. I just listened, and I didn’t press him to clarify what he meant by that statement, because....honestly, they are just words to me (unless I see them put into action, and I have no expectations for that to happen).

I paused. “Believe it or not, I never intended to be a complication in your life.”
“You’re not a complication. You’re great.”
“Thank you.” I smiled. “But you know what I mean.”
“I know. You care about me.”
“I sure do. I care about what happens to you. And I care about your well being. And I love you too. I want you to know that.”
“I know it, but it’s good to hear it.”
Then he kissed me.

We joined Our Friend downstairs, and laughed and talked for another hour or so, and then I walked MM out to his car. MM invited me to yet another freaking party this weekend, and I’ll go, just because I wouldn't mind more stolen moments with him.

Bummy Day

2009-05-29T00:46:00.003-05:00

I have been kinda bummed out all day. I guess it's just surreal to me that a friend passed away this week. I am close to his girlfriend, and right now she has withdrawn. She's not accepting phone calls so it's like I'm worried about her, but there's nothing I really can do. It sucks.

I went shopping after work today, thinking it would make me feel better. It worked a little, but not much. I then went to my favorite watering hole and had a drink. A few friends sat with me for a while, but I was just in a funk. When people continued to ask "what's wrong", I realized that I should either pep up or go home. I didn't feel like being my ole chipper self, so I drove home.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. With that said, I will check in next week. Everyone enjoy their weekend!

2009-05-26T02:11:00.000-05:00

I have been in a reflective mood the past few days. A week ago, I went to a birthday party for one of my friends, and yesterday, he passed away unexpectedly. He was 36. All week, he thought he had a simple cold and was feverish, and no one surrounding him had any idea this would happen. It kind of made me realize how important it is to act as if every moment is your last.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My encounter with MM was fairly innocent (what a play on words) on Thursday. Not so much on yesterday though.

I went to a party that was hosted by MM's brother on yesterday. If I had to guesstimate, there was approximately 100 people there. I went over to MM to say hi, and he grabbed me by the waist and kissed me on the mouth. I was blown away that he did that in front of everybody (his parents, his nieces and nephews, his brothers, EVERYONE!!). He is usually more discreet. I had a few drinks and mostly stood by him the entire time I was there, but he was openly affectionate with me in front of everyone! That shocked the crap out of me because it's not like him to do that, unless we're just among friends. When I left, he tried to slip me the tongue, but I backed away because I felt it was overkill! I knew we had not been around each other lately but geez!!

A few hours later, MM and his friends picked me up from Our Friend's house, and we went to a bar to have drinks. Again, MM was openly affectionate. For the most part, I went along with it, but he eventually picked up that I wasn't too comfortable with it all and even called me a scary cat.

After we left the bar, MM and I went back to Our Friend's house. We talked about a lot of everything and nothing, and even delved into what has been going on at home--which again, is not like him to talk about home life. He told me that us cuddling and talking like we were was priceless to him, and was more to him than anything physical between us. Then we had sex lol. I told him to set his alarm, but he told me not to worry about getting him home by a certain time. We dozed off. I woke up at around 2am and asked him if he was ready to go, and he said no. Finally by 430am, I literally pulled him out of bed and drove him home.

Never a dull moment.

Today, I guess I'm trying to figure out what the heck do I do. Somebody is going to get hurt if he continues to be careless and carefree about this. I mean, he's not even trying to hide what he's doing, it's like he's trying to get caught and/or get her attention. Either that, or he has a death wish. I guess up until now, I figured this wasn't my problem. However, I don't want to be the one in the middle if shit hits the fan (I should have thought about that a year ago, right?!). I thought about talking to him about it but I don't think talking to him will do anything--I know him well enough to know what his response would be:

"Don't you worry about it. You have never been caught in the middle of anything because me, and that's not going to start now."

It's a null point so I should and will just leave well enough alone.

Aye yay yay. What tangled webs we weave.

The Horny Beast

2009-05-21T22:17:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to figure my sex drive out. I guess whenever I abstain from sex, I'm okay if I get through the first two or three weeks. But when I start having sex again, then I'm like a horny beast and even resort to having sex with people that I know I should stay away from.

For instance, there's this guy (who I'll refer to as the Cop) that I briefly dated (by brief, I mean like three weeks). We were acquaintances for years prior to becoming romantically involved (if you want to even call it that because the 'romance' was brief). He wanted to move fast, and I wanted to move slow. Long story short, after three weeks of going out, he wanted to be in a monogomous relationship and gave me an ultimatum to either be with him or we stop seeing each other altogether, so I chose the latter. Ever since then, if I see him out and about, he rarely speaks to me. Anywho, I was at a night club last week, and I "slipped up" and had sex with him in my drunk and horny state. I knew I really didn't want to sleep with the Cop, but the horny beast took over. Right after the sex, he was talking as if we were an item again, and I told him that I still didn't want anything serious. I saw him two nights ago, and he didn't speak to me, so I guess we're back to normal lol.

Then there's this guy (who I'll refer to as J) that I met years ago, but we never dated. We had a few phone conversations, but it was one of those things where we never went out or hooked up. Anyway, long story short, we ended up at a hotel two nights ago...the horny beast was out at a restaurant having drinks with friends and by the end of the night, she was at a hotel. Why a hotel? Because I don't allow men that I don't know too well to my house since I live alone. Sure, it's okay to sleep with them, but I just can't allow them into my home. Well, it makes sense to me. Anyhoo, the sex was great, and we made plans to hook up again last night, but J didn't call last night like he said he would, sooooo...all's well that ends well. Hello and goodbye J.

Sooo...now, it's summer. The season of flings. I literally walk down the street and check out any attractive man that I see. I've caught myself checking men out if they are with someone, which is a big no-no (that's a confrontation waiting to happen), but the horny beast is taking over! At work, I'm contemplating breaking my rule of not having workplace flings, but the horny beast is in my head....taunting me with peen!! On nights that I'm not working late or hanging out, I come home and play with my toy (that I lovingly refer to as the pink panther) until I have about 2 or 3 or 4 or 7 orgasms. One would say that my hormones are raging, but they are not. I just had a battery of tests run due to health issues so I know they are normal.

I'm actually at home tonight to keep myself out of trouble. I'm saving myself, one night at a time lol.

Whatever.

Did I mention that I finally saw MM last night?!

2009-05-13T23:23:00.006-05:00

I'm back!!

I had a great time while I was away...I took my Mother with me on my trip to Ft Lauderdale....it was beautiful! It was great to be able to spend time with my Mom, especially since she lives 5 hours away from me :(

So....all I seem to do now is work. In fact, I just got in from work a few minutes ago, working on a project that was put together at the final hour and could not even plan for in advance....this is getting old fast.

As for my love life (or lack thereof), I can't figure out the Firefighter. He texted me the entire time that I was in Florida, saying what he would do when I returned home, but now that I'm home, I haven't heard from him. He is really fueling my suspicion that he's married or living with someone. And I have spoken to MM, but it's like we've transitioned to friends. I haven't seen him in a while, and when we talk, it's totally innocent. It's like we've grown apart, but yet still feel the urge to keep in touch?! Weirdness.

I am tired and I have another long day tomorrow, so I'll check back in when I get a chance! Everyone have a good week/weekend!

Hello and Goodbye!

2009-04-30T01:22:00.002-05:00

I am exhausted. I have been working late at work. I am the only full time employee working in my area, and I am beginning to feel burned out. I will be traveling this weekend to a conference to present our work (which will be a partial vacay...yaaay!!), so that means working long hours just to get everything done before I leave for a week. I absolutely cannot wait to lay on the beach and get some rest.

In other news.....

**crickets**

Ummm...nothing is going on with me. Nothing at all. And for the moment, until things at work can slow down, I would like to keep it that way. I did get the chance to let my hair down and enjoy a festival this past weekend, but other than that, I haven't had any action on my end.

I don't think I have free internet when I'm away, so I'll more than likely catch up when I return!! Don't do anything I wouldn't do while I'm away lol.

Ring the Alarm

2009-04-20T20:43:00.006-05:00

I am back, finally! My power adapter blew out on my laptop, and I ordered a new one online--little did I know that it would be backordered for two weeks! I decided I would wait it out since it was half the price online than I would pay in store. I tell you, never a dull moment.

I have always loved a man in uniform. Police officers. Military men (now that I think of it, two of my ex boyfriends were Marines, and my first was in the Army). Firemen.

Over the past six months, I have been flirting with a Firefighter--we met through a mutual friend. We both flirt with each other when we run into each other--we even kissed one night months ago, but it never really went further than that. I know that he 'supposedly' is newly divorced, which is why I never really showed real interest on my end. Ever since I met the guy, I have fantasized about putting out a fire in the firehouse...just for kicks. Hey, it's something different.

I think it was Good Friday. I was out having drinks with friends, when Firefighter texted.

"Hi, how have you been?"

I was feeling randy, so I replied "Great n u? Happy Easter by the way. I hope the Easter bunny fills your basket with plenty of candy."

I knew he would bite.

"I hope that means you will be in my basket then."

"You know, that could be arranged."

"I'm working tonight. Come and visit me at the firehouse before you head home tonight."

BINGO!!!!

On my way home, I stopped at the firehouse. It was about 10pm. We immediately jumped in the back seat of his truck. Things got hot and heavy pretty fast--we were kissing and licking and sucking, and then his radio went off--luckily it was a call for another engine house.

After the interruption, he realized he didn't have any condoms on hand. No problem--a convenience store (I now see why it is named as such) was a block away. We made a mad dash to the store. When we arrived back to the engine house, he decided to move the party inside.

BINGO!!!!

We snuck inside of the TV room and locked the door, since the other guys on duty were upstairs in the dormitory. Firefighter grabbed a blanket and laid it on the couch. He undressed me, kissing my legs, my belly, my breasts as he took my clothes off.

"Lie down so that I can eat my candy."

And he did exactly that. He licked, sucked, and tasted the candy so good that I was wiggling away from him.

He slid one finger inside of me as he licked my clitoris, then two...maneuvering until he found my G spot.

Within a minute, I was in pure ecstasy, where I stayed for two more ground-shaking earth-moving orgasms.

After my third orgasm, Firefighter started fidgeting with the condom, and he kissed me. A deep slow kiss.

Then the unthinkable happened.

The dispatch came over the radio--this time it was his call to take.

"I cannot believe this shit is happening!! I want my candy!! I have waited so long to get some candy!!"

I let out a giggle. "Maybe some other time."

I never dressed so fast in my life. That reminded me of sneaking out of my boyfriends dorm in college! Luckily, I was up and out of the firehouse before everyone came downstairs.

Since then, we talk pretty regularly (not really trying to get too close because I suspect he has some situation going on). He asked me to stop by the firehouse :) on Friday night, but by the time I went home (around 1am), I was too tired to stop :(. Sooo.. to be continued?!

Oh, and MM has...ummm....fallen off the map??!! I talked to him briefly on Saturday (he got aggravated because I was out when he called and he could not hear me because of the background noise and hung up). Other than that, I haven't really spoken to him or seen him since I visited him at work weeks ago. I don't know what happened, but I'm at a point where I don't care to care anymore.

Oh well, such is life!

2009-04-01T00:12:00.003-05:00

**This post is full of pessimism and cynicism, so if you're in a great mood, don't read. You have been forewarned lol.**

Lately, I have been asked a LOT by different people (mostly men)"why aren't you married yet?""Why don't you have a boyfriend?" "You need to hurry up and have kids--your biological clock is ticking." Well, if it is, I have it on snooze or I've turned it off because I don't hear it going off in my head. What's funny is several years ago, that's what I wanted for myself. I wanted the husband, house, and 2.5 kids--what people call the American dream. It's funny how being put through the ringer will make you say "NO THANKS".

I would like to think that I am not scorned. Before my ex, I used to bounce back after failed relationships, holding on to the belief that I would find "Mr. Right" one day. Well, I don't know if this is just a phase, but I don't think I really believe that anymore. My faith in relationships is shaken, and rightfully so. Almost every last one of my serious relationships ended because the man cheated on me. So statistically speaking, there's a high likelihood that the next boyfriend will too. And that's what I don't care to deal with anymore. Honestly, I am afraid to put myself out there to get hurt again. I now understand why men are scorned and why some become commitment-phobes when they get heartbroken--it hurts. Like really hurts.

But besides all of that, I don't want to answer to anyone. I like coming home to my empty house (except for the lonely moments, which are few and far between since I'm seldom at home) and relaxing in my bed after work. I like not arguing over petty things because the relationship has gotten old and neither one of us has the balls to end it. I realize that I was so stressed by my ex that now, I enjoy, no, I love having my peace. And quiet (and not having my phone ringing incessantly or my car keyed). For me, it has gotten to the point where I'm considering being celibate, just because I'm tired of the same old okie doke. The same routine. The same lines. The same bullshit. I could just have one nighters, but unfortunately, there's bullshit attached with that as well.

I guess this post stems from a couple of people in my circle whose relationships I used to sort of look up to. My best friend K, who lives with her boyfriend, recently found out that he is cheating on her. And MM's best friend--who is holier than thou and is always harsh on everyone else for their actions--is one step away from cheating on his wife as well. And let's not mention all of the men who hang out my favorite watering hole who are all married and who leave every Friday night with a different woman.

So the way I see it, I have two choices. I could take a leap of faith and open my heart again, even though I know that there's a high likelihood that I will get hurt OR, I could just remain single and not have to deal with the pain of a broken heart. I think I opt for choice number two for the time being. Hey, it works for me.

My Not So Secret Rendezvous

2009-03-30T23:43:00.002-05:00

I met MM as things were ending with my ex(MM was separated from his wife and living with a friend at the time), so I guess I was sowing my oats for a while so to speak. Well, months later, MM fell off the face of the earth (I didn’t know at the time, but this was when he moved back home), and all phone calls ceased for a while. Sooooo.....one day, Our Friend had a gathering at his house, and since I was buzzed and horny, I had a one nighter and hooked up with a guy (who I’ll call JC) at his house.

Weeks later, MM suddenly reappeared. I just knew MM found out about my 'secret' rendezvous with JC weeks later (another girl that JC hooked up with years ago was there that night—I did not know they had history, so since then, she smears our names to whoever will listen). MM asked me ‘bating’ questions several months back about that night, and I admitted to hooking up with someone. I have not slept with JC since, and I told MM as much. After that conversation, it appeared MM was okay with it, and told me he appreciated my honesty.

So..here we are, several months later. In the midst of this conversation, MM did bring up the whole JC thing. In his opinion, for me to do that, then I did not feel the same way about him that he felt about me. I explained that at the time, I had no idea what was going on with him (MM), since I had not heard from him in a while, so yes, I had a wild night because I wasn’t emotionally involved with him or anyone for that matter at the time.

Anyway, again, I thought that was the end of it. Negative.

Every time I spoke with MM last week, he made some kind of reference to JC. JC was at the party last week. I didn’t really say too much to JC while MM was around because of the discussion we had about it a couple of weeks prior. However, according to MM, someone at the party commented to MM about how ‘all of my boyfriends’ were there, and that got under MM’s skin.

*sigh*

On Sunday, I cooked dinner at Our Friend’s house. Our Friend invited a few people over (mostly MM’s close friends), and JC was there as well. MM called me on his way to work that evening. He asked who was over, and I told him. After buttering me up, he asked for me to bring some food to him at work. Now, as much as we prepare food over at Our Friend’s house, MM has never asked for me to deliver food to him. I was in a generous food, so I decided I would go ahead and do it.

When I arrived, I handed over the plate with every intention to chit chat a little and head back to the house. MM had other plans. Every time I tried to leave, he would keep talking. After a while, I stopped trying to leave, and I turned off my car. I admit--it was nice to just sit and talk with him. Eventually, I looked at the clock, and I realized that I had been out there talking to him for over 2 hours. At that point, I told him he needed to get back to work—he responded that he wasn’t going back to work until he ate, and he wasn’t referring to the plate of food I brought....

MM called and talked to me while I drove back to Our Friends house. By this time it was getting pretty late. JC was still there when I arrived. As soon as I sat down to eat, MM called again. At that point, it was obvious to me that MM was checking on me, I guess to make sure I behave myself. I mean, it's totally outside of his 'box' to goof off for as long as he did at work, but then he called--and once again every time I tried to end the conversation, he kept me on the phone--and all because he's jealous of JC.

My take on it--I don't know?? Initially, MM was okay with the JC thing, and now, months later, it's a problem?? I feel like maybe he's trying to deflect guilt unto me about whatever he can, perhaps because he's feeling a little guilty?? I dunno!!

2009-03-25T23:24:00.003-05:00

I have no idea where to begin.

So...I had a good time at Our Friend's party. The guy that I invited did not show up, but it was a good time nonetheless. When MM arrived, he kissed me hello, and for the most part, that was all that we said to each other--I spent the evening mingling, and he stood by his best friend the entire time he was there. However, to this day, MM is giving me a play by play of what I was doing and who I talked to, so apparently someone had their eye on me.

I remember looking up late in the evening, and he was gone. At that point, my heart sank, because he usually does not leave without saying goodbye.

The next morning, MM called, bright and early. We chit chatted for a bit, then he goes on to tell me that a few guys were telling him that I looked great (I was getting a lot of compliments on my sundress and sandals), and one even asked him if we were still involved, and if it would be okay if he approached me--and supposedly that's why he left--because he was jealous. Funny.

That in a nutshell was the party.

MM and I are in a weird place right now. I'm trying to remain friends, and so far, I'm being successful. However, I think his interest was rejuvenated after the party. I laugh to myself, because it's almost like it did not dawn on him that other men think that I'm attractive as well!

I am about to catch up on some sleep (I am dozing off as I type, which sucks because I have so much to catch up on--I need a few more hours in a day).

Nite nite!!

Gametime!!

2009-03-19T18:31:00.003-05:00

The past two weeks have been a blur. Work is killing me--I had to tell my supervisor to give me feasible deadlines for projects rather than impossible ones (her MO is to give me a project that takes several days or weeks to finish, but yet she expects results as soon as she puts it in my hand). I mean, really. I went to the doctor Wednesday, and my blood pressure was slightly elevated for the 2nd time in a month (despite the fact that I'm 30, eat healthy, and go to the gym 5-6 days a week).

I need a vacation. But who doesn't right about now, right??!!

Anywhowhatever, enough of me complaining. I mean, that's not what this blog is for lol.

MM and I are somewhat simmering down. I can't say I feel too bad about that. I guess we're actually transitioning into 'friends.' We haven't spent as much time on the phone over the past 2 weeks as usual, and the conversations consist of friendly banter (lacking the normal sexual inuendos)--except for last night when he said "I'll see you this weekend Sexy".

*sigh* Oh the games we play.

Our Friend is having a birthday party Saturday, and MM will be there. I actually invited a guy friend, so this should prove to be interesting (if he shows up...he's not the most reliable guy in the bag, but he'll do). Since MM is into game-playing, then I say GAME ON!!

Everyone have a great weekend!

Emotionally Drained

2009-03-10T00:31:00.003-05:00

I am emotionally drained. Tired. I feel useless to everybody right now. At work today, I could not focus at all. I turned on my music hoping that would motivate me like it usually does--it did not work today.

I think part of the reason that I'm so tired is because I'm hormonal and PMSing. I think another part of it is that I have not sat still in the past week, so it has definitely caught up with me. But the biggest part of why I'm drained is because of MM.

I went to the cookout. Had a great time. Met and avoided MM's wife (I have nothing nice to say about her so I won't say anything at all :) ). Talked to his friends. Wondered how the heck I grew the balls to come to their property (even though he personally invited me there) and face his wife. I chuckled when she called him over to question about me after he came over to me as I was leaving and told me to meet him at Our Friend's house.

I figured he would be a no show since she was asking questions. Surprisingly, he did show up. He immediately went upstairs to shower. I followed him and asked to join, and he declined, but asked me to stay and talk to him. We talked and flirted as he showered, then he asked for me to wash his back. I did. Then he asked me to wash his front. I did. After he was squeaky clean, he looked down at his erection, and asked me to suck on it. I declined, saying "I'm not in the mood for you to leave me hanging like last time I did that", with a smirk on my face. He frowned at me, and closed the shower door and washed the soap off his body. After he finished, I jumped in the shower, as he watched. He commented on my weight loss, saying I looked great. As I dried off, I noticed his penis was still erect. I smiled at him.

"You want sex all of the time, don't you?"
"I've never heard a man complain about that."
"I'm not complaining. But you want it all the time. I'm old. I can't have sex all the time."
"You had absolutely no problem with my sex drive up until a couple of months ago. Now I can't get you to touch me."
"We had sex when I was at your house last week. I touched you then."
"Yeah, you were there physically, but mentally you were somewhere else."
"I told you that I was tired. I'm getting old Miz."
"No you're not. Ask any of the men downstairs if they have a problem with a woman with a high sex drive. I don't think the problem is my sex drive. I don't know what the problem is. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. You're confusing me."

I turned my back to dress as he sat there stumbling for words.

"Miz, I'm tired. That's all. There's no problem."
"Okay. You're tired. I get it."

We sat in silence for what seemed like forever.

"I don't want us to be all about sex."
"We're not."
"It seems like you get upset if I don't have sex with you. You want to have sex every time we're together."
"No, I don't. I'm not upset. And we don't have sex every time we're together for the record. For someone who doesn't want to have sex, you sure did not hesitate to ask for a blow job though, did you?"

He had no response.

"Miz, I'm getting old. I don't have the energy I used to have."
"Are we finished here?" I was growing impatient.
"No. We're not. Come here." I stood in front of him. He kissed my lips. Then he started kissing me on my neck. Things got hot and heavy, and he pulled his erect cock out. He asked me to stroke it, and I did. Moments later, he asked, "Is it okay if we go downstairs now?"

I was perplexed. NOW I was upset. I walked towards the door.

"Miz, come back. Please, come back."
"I can't do this anymore. I can't continue to play these games with you."
"I'm not used to this. I'm sorry, I'm not used to this."

I stood silent for a few minutes.

"Can I leave now?"
"How are we ever going to get anywhere if you run from me? You always want to end it or run away when it gets tough. How will we ever get anywhere if you do that?"
"I really, really can't talk anymore."
"Well, just listen."

He went on for about 30 minutes, repeating the same thing....he's never had anyone care about him like I do.....he usually attract women who want him for money....how a year ago he was available and wanted to be with me, but at the time he felt I wasn't into him ....how I genuinely care about him and he can't handle it because he's married...how he wants me all to himself but knows he can't ask that of me because he's married...how he is in a bind because he's married. After that statement I had had enough.

"You say that like I asked for this. You being married is your issue, not mines. If you can't deal with it, then we can end it rather than you play games with me. I'm not a fucking toy. And you know what?? I'm tired of this conversation. I'm leaving."

I went downstairs to him calling my name--I ignored him this time. I stopped in the dining room and said my goodbyes.

As soon as I got on the highway, the waterworks began. I was so upset and overwhelmed. I was tired of the games. AND I felt rejected. When I was almost home, he called.

"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize."
"I have to. I don't want you to be upset with me."
"I told you tonight that you're confusing. And I know that I can't keep doing this."
"You really like me."

"Was that supposed to be a secret? You know that I do. But just because I like you does not mean that I can keep doing this."
"What's this??? Why do you keep trying to run away from me??"
"You're the one who's running."
"You're trying to make this all about sex. What we have is more than sex...that's what I'm trying to get you to see, but every time I tell you no, you take it as I'm rejecting you, when in reality, I'm respecting you. You deserve better than that. I want to give you more than that." Then for about 45 minutes or so, he went on and on reiterating the same things he was saying the entire time...a whole lot of fluff and no sustenance.
"I'm really tired of this same conversation MM. I'm tired period. Are you finished?"

He was quiet for a few seconds.

"I like you, and I don't want to. I didn't think this would happen."
"Do you think that I wanted to fall for a man who's married?? Do you really think that's what I wanted to happen???"
"It's not what I wanted either."
"Well, don't you think it's too late to think about any of that? Isn't it too late to turn around and say 'oh I'm married.' You started this, not me. Apparently you bit off more than you can chew."

He was quiet.

"I've never done this before, allowed myself to feel anything for anyone other than my wife. I have never had anyone like me like you do. And now that I have you, I'm not used to this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
"It's easy. Just let it go. I don't feel like you really want to do this, so let's just end this."
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because we're in too deep. That's why."

We were quiet again.

"I can't keep going through this."
"Have you ever been in love?"
"Yes. Why??"
"Have you ever experienced unrequited love?"
"Yes."
"Me too. I don't care for it. It seems when I fall for a woman, I never get what I give in return. My wife, she just wants me for money. If I lose my job, she will leave me. Most women I've dated in life wanted me for what I can do for them."

"Well, I am not them. And this discussion we're having is about me and you, not anyone else. I have nothing to do with them."
"I know." He paused. "I'm trying to get used to all of this. I need you to bear with me."
I paused. "I don't think I can. You're killing me here. I am confused and I don't like it one bit."
Ignoring me, he said, "Don't give up on me. I'll show you, I promise."

I sighed. I was beyond tired of it all.

"We will figure out how we will proceed from here."
"Okay, if you say so."
"I love you."
Without hesitation, I said, "I love you too."
He chuckled. "I already knew that. Love you. Bye."

24 hours later, and I am just as confused now as I was yesterday. I didn't talk to him today, which is great for me. I want this thing to die down and possibly blow away. And the fact that I'm hormonal is not making my thought process any better.

With that being said, I'll check back in when I have a moment of clarity. I have to sit still for the next few days and clear my head.

Until next time...

I Love You Too

2009-03-08T23:04:00.004-05:00

"We will figure out where we're going from here."
"Okay, if you say so."
"I love you."
Without hesitation, I said, "I love you too."
"I already knew that. Love you. Bye."

I had a really emotional night with MM tonight. After talking for over an hour, those were the last words we said to each other, and for the first time. This is really weird, because I don't throw those words around. I can count on one hand how many men I have told that I loved them to. If I say it, I mean it.

I will explain everything that transpired tonight in my next post. As for now, I'm going to sleep. I have not slept much in the past week, so sleep is due. Until next time....

Quick Update

2009-03-08T12:08:00.002-05:00

I have not sat still since Monday night. I guess I have been staying busy to keep my mind occupied--an idle mind is dangerous for me lol.

Anyway, I'm about to meet up with friends for a festival--AND this morning I received a phone call from MM inviting me to a cookout--I'm debating on whether I'm going or not because his wife will be there...I will keep you posted!!

Whatever Did I See in My Ex??

2009-03-02T23:33:00.001-06:00

I've never really talked about my last relationship on here because I never felt a need to. I tend to stay friends with my ex boyfriends, so I really did not have an ill feelings towards him at all. In fact, he has a new girlfriend, and I am happy for them. Well...I didn't have ill feelings for him until last night lol.

We dated for 3 1/2 years. In the beginning, I knew something was not quite right about him. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I smelled a rat. When I met him, I was fresh out of a long term relationship, and he was pretty much newly divorced. Ex and I dated casually, but he was a little...distracted to say the least. Guess what? My intuition was dead on...he had a child on the way with a Crazy lady--a tiny detail that he neglected to tell me. Crazy lady was the 1st woman he dated post divorce that he ended up impregnating. And it seems that he was a bit of a commitment phobe at the time, and therefore was sowing his oats. Bigtime. I found out all of this information via a blog...one of his women wrote explicit details about their trysts (funny thing, because he introduced me to blogging and recommended some good reads...her friends blog was one of them).

Anyway, I ended up breaking it off with him for months. Then a tragic turn of events occured that ultimately brought us together again, and closer than before. Life was different for a while. His child's mother moved to another city for a year or so, so life was good.

So I thought.

Ex and I were working together at a retail store part time (I brought him on after I was hired), and Crazy lady knew from my old blog that we worked together....so they had a heated argument, and she called me at work one night when we were both working. When I told her that I had no interest in talking to her, I hung up the phone. She called back, and my coworker answered. She proceeded to tell my coworker that Ex and I were involved (we hid our relationship at work but were blown out of the water that night), that we had sex at work (untrue), and I had been exposed to an STD from Ex (also untrue). I immediately called the cops, and they told me that they could do nothing because she's in another state. Crap I say.

I didn't hear from her for a while after that. Until he flew out to visit her and his child. During this time, Ex and I were on the outs. Turns out during his visit, his child fell seriously ill and was hospitalized with a respiratory infection. You'd think that she would be concerned with her baby, right?? NOOO! He stayed at the hospital with the baby. While he was at the hospital tending to his ailing child, she checked his voicemails, and she called me. She cursed me and made threats about what would happen when she came home to visit. I hung up, and I didn't answer anymore private calls. She must have called me 30 times that night. The remaining time he visited, she called. Obsessively. I would not answer. So when she couldn't reach me via phone, she emailed me. I called the cops again. This time, they did take a police report. All was quiet for a few days. Then she intercepted anonther voice mail, and went bonkers again. She started texting me, and I called the cops again. She decided to take it further, and emailed me, this time threatening me by including my social security number in the email, and threatening to wreck havoc upon me and my credit. I changed my number, and blocked her address, and the phony addresses she created just to harass me. Ultimately, the police did nothing but document the incidents.

Ex was riddled with guilt when he returned from his visit, and he was Mr. Wonderful...for maybe a year (it's usually a temporary phase lol). Crazy lady eventually stopped harassing me. Eventually, I grew soft towards Ex and we started being serious about each other. All was quiet. For maybe a year. Then he became this affectionless, cold-hearted shell of a man that I once knew.

About a year later, Crazy lady moved back to the city where we live. She gave Ex grief any way that she could. From what I saw, it appeared that they were no longer involved and she had started actually dating.

So I thought.

Summer 2008, my car was keyed. I'm not talking one scratch. I'm talking five scratches from headlight to taillight on the passenger side. I knew who did it. I mean, it happened while I was at Ex's house. I questioned Ex yet again about his dealings with Crazy lady, and he denied that they were involved in any way, and had not been since the harassment.

Long story short, the relationship ended, and we transitioned into friendship. He has a girlfriend now...who lives out of the state. I knew I was over him when I was actually glad to hear that he was happy.

Anyway, last night, we were both up and IM'ing at 4am because we both could not sleep...my mind was racing thinking about my car repairs...Ex told me that he was up because Crazy lady was upset and was texting him. At 4am. He started complaining that she wanted sex from him, and that's why she was upset...because he didn't want to have sex with her. Immediately, bells and whistles went off for me. Why would a woman who supposedly hasn't been intimate with you in years, get mad if you tell her no? I asked him if he lied about not being involved with her since she moved back, and finally, he told me the truth that he has, up until recently. I'm sorry, I was disgusted and I felt that he betrayed even our friendship. I knew he was still sleeping with her. It's just different when you get confirmation. I mean, how could you sleep with someone who would go through those lengths??? I will never understand it.

I immediately told him that I am ceasing all contact...no IMs, no emails, no phone calls. The last thing I need is to have my tires flattened when I'm not even seeing him anymore.

Oh well. It's all water under the bridge now. I'm just happy that chapter of my life is now closed and not for me to deal with anymore. I really don't know what I ever saw in him.

aSsHoLe

2009-02-28T00:40:00.000-06:00

So....I went to W's house, the same night that MM came to visit me. W lives on the opposite side of the city (~35 minutes away), and I had to stop and get money out of the ATM to pay a toll, since my toll tag is in my car, and I'm in a rental while my car is fixed sooooo...by the time I arrived to W's house, I was good and tired (rightfully so since I had a pretty long day lol). I showered when I arrived, hoping it would make me more alert--to no avail.

W was in his bedroom by the time I got out of the shower. I laid on the bed, and put my head on his chest. Immediately he started to stroke between my legs. Initially, I admit I was a little aroused, until he started making special requests, which I was too tired to do.

"Stand up and let me look at your ass."

"Ummm, W, I don't feel like it. Can we just watch TV? I'm tired."

"Come on, stand up!" Then he smacks my ass.

"W, please stop."

"Well, what did you come over here for??"

"Excuse me????"

"I'm joking. We can just lay here and cuddle."

Then he goes back to stroking in between my legs. This time, I removed his hand from between my legs because I was annoyed by his 'joke'.

Minutes went by, and I laid next to him, and eventually he started stroking my leg, until he started stroking between my legs, again.

"I must really like you, because normally, I don't let anyone spend the night at my house."

Then it hit me. I realized exactly why I stopped dating this guy years ago. He's a freaking asshole.

Sarcastically, I said, "I guess I should feel honored, right??"

"You should."

I sighed. I began thinking to myself "I should have stayed at home tonight". I stared at the television as if I were trying to immerse myself inside of it.

"Come on, stand up. Let me look at that body!"

"I don't feel up to it." I paused. "Would you have a problem if we just watched TV right now? I'm a bit tired."

He let out a loud sigh. "I have to go to work early. I'm going to sleep."

He rolled over on his side, and he pretended like he was going to sleep.
Then he turned back to me, and his hand headed straight for the split in my legs again.

"W, will you please stop?? This is beginning to become annoying."
Then, like a child, he grabbed me so hard in between my legs, that one of his fingernails scratched me. Can we say ouch??!!

"That's it. I'm going home."
"I know you didn't drive all the way over to just to go home."
"Since you're acting like an ass, then yes". I put on my pants, grabbed my purse, and I left.

I should have followed my first mind, and stayed at home.

I Don't Know...

2009-02-27T23:29:00.004-06:00

Somebody, please, slap some sense into me.

Maybe I'm horny. Maybe I'm tipsy. Maybe I'm just plain losing my mind. But ummmm....I want MM so bad it hurts.

(I am scaring me talking like this...maybe it's my truth serum talking)

I woke up this morning feeling kinda blah. I just was not in the mood for any BS today. I was sitting at my desk at work, and I started thinking. Thinking maybe I should just re-evaluate the men that I choose to date, and become celibate. Thinking maybe I should just stop dating for a while. Thinking maybe I should stop this thing with MM because I'm enjoying it a little too much right now.

And right in the midst of my thinking, he calls. We talked about work. About how the collision shop is screwing me over with giving me my car back. He volunteered to pay for my out of pocket expenses for the deductible and rental car, but I politely declined.

Suddenly, everything's okay. I'm not feeling so blah anymore.

I don't know what it is about this man. I don't know what connection we share, I don't know what kind of pull he has on me. I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. "I don't know what it is about you, that I can't let you go...." those were the words he said to me the other day...the same day that we had "I wish things were different" conversataion. Well, I don't know what it is either. I just know, that it just....is.

WTF??!!

2009-02-25T16:29:00.005-06:00

I have a new lover :), that I'll name W. He's actually not so new to me. I dated him years ago, and when I ran into him and his friend a few weeks ago, his friend 'coerced' me into giving W another try, so I did. I had a few dates with him last week, and I slept at his house last night, soooooo.....so far no complaints ;o) I guess I don't have too much to say because I don't want to jinx it. For some reason with me, the good times tend to last only so long.

And MM.....

The other night when we were together, we had a few drinks. We had an interesting conversation...

"I'm married."
"I know that."
"I'm married. I think you deserve better than this. I know you've told me that you're dating, and I want you to be happy."
"You know, at the end of the day, that's what I want for you too. Even if it means we have to stop seeing each other for you to be happy, that's what I want. I want to be happy, and I want you to be as well. That's what you want for the people you care about most in life--you want them to be happy."
"I want you to get married and have beautiful kids just like you, and have a man take care of you like you deserve to be taken care of."
"Trust me, I'm content being alone right now."
"Yeah, but I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy."
"That's a sweet thing to say."
"I mean it. You're great. You're smart, you're beautiful, you have an education, you have a house and a great job...honestly, I have never dated anyone like you. The women that I have dated... They always have an angle...they use me for money. You're the first woman who's never asked me for anything. You're the first woman to like me for who I am."
"Well, I do like you for who you are. It's hard for me not to. You're a good guy with a good heart. You go out of your way to help anyone. I like that about you."
"I wish that things were different. If I were with you, things would be so different. I wouldn't have to sneak around like I am with you. I want to have a wife where I'm content to be at home. You see that I'm never at home. I can't stand to be there. I don't like that I have to sneak...I really wish that I had met you years ago..." He dropped his head and paused.
"I'm married."
"What are you saying? Do you want to end this?"
"No."
"Well, what are you trying to say?"
"To be honest, I don't want to think about you with anyone else. I wish that I could ask you to be exclusive, but I can't because I'm married."
I just listened.
"I wish things were different."Again, I just looked at him. We sat in silence for a while, and then he changed the subject and talked about other light subjects, and eventually, we joined everyone else congregated in the kitchen at Our Friend's house.

I have seen him every day this week. And today, since we're both taking vacation time this week, he came over to my house and spent the day with me. While he was watching TV and channel surfing, he stopped on a local station that lists job postings in this immediate suburb.

"Why are we watching this station?"
"Because I'm looking for a job."
"Why? You have a great job. And if you didn't notice, we're in a recession and people are losing jobs left and right, so if you have one, you need to hold on to it."
"I always keep my eyes open for a better one."
"You're just never satisfied, are you?"
"Yeah, I can be satisfied. I'm just keeping my options open."

We relocated to the bedroom, and again, he put the tv back on the job listings page. He was intently watching television for several minutes.

"What's up with you? Talk to me."
"What?"
"The job channel? Is something going on that you want to talk about."
"I told you I'm looking for a job."

I just looked at his face to see if he was joking, but I saw no hint of a joke.

"If I get one out here, that would mean I'd have to move out here." I live about 40 minutes away from him.
"Oh really? You wouldn't have a problem doing that?"
"Not at all."
I smiled. "Me either."

After that, he seemed to be in a solemn mood...lost in his own thoughts. I knew that something was up for him to come all the way to my house, but I didn't know what. I know that they have recently cut his hours at work, and they have laid off people at the plant that he works at, so...perhaps he's beginning to worry about his job security. I don't know.

I tried to strike up conversation with him, but I could tell he was not in the mood for talking, so we just ended up taking a nap. When he woke up, the poke in the small of my back woke me up. We had sex, but he was distant even during sex. I wanted to stop because he just wasn't there, but I just let it be. After we came, conversation ceased, and we laid there in total silence.

After a while, we dressed and I followed him to the door. I asked him, "MM, are you sure everything's okay?"
He hugged me. Almost in one breath, he responded "Baby, stop worrying over what I'm thinking about. I'm good. I'm just tired from running today. I've never run three miles before."
"What are you talking about? You're a marathon runner."
"I mean, I haven't run three miles in a long time because my knee is killing me. By next week, I should be used to running three miles again, and I'll have my stamina back and I won't be so tired when I come back. Aww man, this guy told me his three mile running time, and I was jealous because I used to be able to beat that time. I'm being competitive and I think I overdid it today. I have to try to beat his time so I'm pushing myself. I promise, I'll be back to normal next time you see me."
"Okay."

That response let me know that something was going on in that head of his. Perhaps he's in the midst of fighting with himself again. Perhaps he is really tired, which I think that's part of it too.

I'm a little worried about MM. But he's a big boy....I know he will be okay, and he will figure out whatever he's going through. I let him know before he left that if he ever wanted to talk, that I was here. That's about all I can do.

In the meantime, I have a play date with W. ;) I know, I'm a slut lol.

2009-02-17T08:54:00.000-06:00

My valentine's day sucked. I hung out with friends that day, and on my way home that night, my car was rear ended on the interstate (5 car pile up, and I was the first car...teenager was not paying attention to the road when he hit me). Luckily, I was not found at fault (and it didn't hurt that the cop was flirting with me and gave me his phone number), so I'm great. Except for the fact that my back has been hurting ever since...which means I can't go to the gym until it feels better :(.

Last night, I was at Our Friend's house, and MM came by to check out the damage to my vehicle since I was in the area. He pulled up in his wife's car. While I talked to him, he saw that he had left the card that I had given to him for valentine's day on the counter at Our Friend's house, so he picked it up to take with him as he was leaving.

Knowing how absent minded MM can be, I asked him "hey, why don't you let me take that card? You're not in your car, and the last thing you need to do is to forget it in your wife's car."

"Hey, this is my card. I want my card. I'm taking it."

"How about you throw it in the trash can over there?"

"No. It's my card. I'm keeping it."

"Why must you be so difficult?"

"Because it's who I am. You know that."

"Don't forget the card in the car. I don't feel up to dealing with anymore drama than I already have to deal with right now."

He kissed me on the cheek. "Don't worry. You haven't been involved in drama with me before now, and I'll make sure it won't happen."

Yeah right, I thought to myself.

If he was in his own car (like he usually is), I wouldn't have made an issue about the card. However, he has moments when he is careless about being discreet (especially when he has a couple of drinks like he did last night). He can be stubborn for absolutely no reason at all--a true rebel without a freaking cause.

Needless to say, that's the last time I buy a card for him.

I Remember...

2009-02-11T23:30:00.003-06:00

I remember saying to you "You have the cutest set of dimples." I remember when I stood up to go to the restroom, you gave me a once over (and so did your best friend because he was sitting beside you), and our eyes met and our glance lingered--I smiled at you. I remember later that night you told Our Friend "She's so cool. I like her."

I remember a few weeks later, you called me and invited me to Our Friend's house because you boiled some seafood. I was in an on/off relationship at the time (on the verge of breaking up for the last time), but I enjoyed just talking to you that night. I remember after we ate, we decided to go to the city. You hopped in the car with me, and I remember we talked about our 'current' situations, and how unhappy we were. I remember telling you that you were so easy to talk to--you actually listened when I talked, and for some reason, I considered that to be priceless, because I wasn't getting that from my boyfriend.

I remember how you would buy me little gifts--you said you did that just to let me know that you were thinking of me. I saw past that--you were trying to win me over lol.

I remember when I met your brothers. They asked if I had friends who were just like me. I thought that was so cute...apparently you had been talking me up before they met me.

I remember when you told me "I've never met a woman like you. Everyone likes you. My brothers like you. My friends adore you. You're just too good to be true."

I remember when you met my best friend K ....turns out that she's related to some of your distant cousins. I remember thinking "This guy never ceases to amaze me." K doesn't take a liking to people very easily, but you two hit it off pretty well.

That day ended up being the turning point between you and I. I remember I playfully hit you on your chest, and my hand lingered--I knew you were athletic but I had no idea just how ripped you were. I felt you up in front of everyone--you blushed. I thought that was so cute. When you turned around, I smacked your ass. Then I grabbed it because I realized that you had a muscle butt. It took everything in my power to restrain myself--I was still in a relationship (unhappy as it was), so I was trying to be a good girl. Keyword: trying.

I remember a week later, we were at a party (there's always a party going on by somebody's house), and you asked to talk to me alone. You took me by the hand, and we sat out on the deck by the fire pit and talked, and talked, and talked. I remember you kissed me. Then you grabbed a blanket for me because I was cold, and you held me, and we just sat outside and talked for what seemed like forever.

I remember the first time we were intimate....

2009-02-09T22:01:00.005-06:00

"So....what were you saying earlier?"

We were standing in the hallway, away from everyone gathered in the kitchen and the living room.

"When?"
"Earlier, when we were outside. You were saying something about you owe me something?"
"I said I owe you some affection."
"Oh yeah, that's it. You feel like giving me a little right now?"

He smiled. Then he rubbed my hair as if I were a puppy. We both laughed.

"I know you can do much better than that."

He took a step towarads me, and slipped his hands around my waist. His tongue found my spot on my neck, and worked its way to my lips. He kissed me soft and slow....making us both oblivous to his friend who was now standing behind him watching us--same friend who had been flirting with me earlier in the evening, before MM let him know I was his.

His friend, smiling, said "Hey MM, we're about to leave. Are you ready?" MM and his three friends came over in the same vehicle.

"Not yet. I have something I have to take care of first."

I smirked, knowing we were approaching the point of no return.

"I have something to show you."
"What's that?"
"Oh, trust me, you will like it."

He followed me a few steps away to Our Friend's bedroom. When the door was closed, I pulled down my pants to show him my bald pussy. Usually, I keep my area well groomed, but a few days ago while I was grooming, I got carried away, so I decided to go for the gusto and shave it completely bald. Little did I know it would come in handy so soon--lucky me.

His mouth dropped. I smiled at his reaction. Then he smiled at me.

"Show that to me again upstairs. The lighting is terrible in here."
"Sure. After you."

He took me by the hand, and led me into a bedroom upstairs and locked the door.

"Now, let me see it again."

I laid on the bed, and took off my shirt. Then my pants. Then my panties. Playing coy, I laid back on the bed, with my legs closed.

"Come on, let me see your pussy."

I gave him what he asked for. I opened my legs, and started massaging my clit. He smiled, and leaned against the dresser, enjoying the view as I pleasured myself. He took a sip of his drink, then he pulled off his pants. I gasped because he wasn't wearing any underwear--I was instantly turned on (as if the sight of him wasn't doing that to me already). He lightly bit my kitty (my tattoo on my right hip), then he kissed, licked, tasted, and loved my pussy. I let out a sigh--it had been a few weeks since I had sex, and even though I was 'trying' (apparently not hard enough lol) to break the merry-go-round cycle with him, I was craving this man. My body was on fire with every suck, bite, lick, kiss from him.

He laid on top of me, and kissed me--I could feel his erect cock in between my legs, naturally finding it's way to my opening.

"Can't you see that I want you. I don't know why you think I don't."

He kissed me for what seemed like forever, with an intensity I never experienced before. Ever.

He entered me. I gasped. The point of entry is always one of the best parts of sex for me.

"You have no idea how much I've wanted this."
"Me too."
"I couldn't tell."
"Because I was trying to fight it. You said you wanted to be friends, remember??"
"I thought that maybe you didn't want to do this anymore."
"I've been trying to fight seeing you because that's what I thought you wanted. Do you really think that I want to stop this?"
"Right now, no."

I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him into a close embrace.

"Why can't you just say no?"
"Do you really want me to say no?"
"No."
"Then why ask that question?"

At this point, carrying on a conversation was becoming an effort, because his thrusts were increasing in intensity.

"I tried to stay away."
"If you want to stop, then do it. Get off of me."
"I don't want to."
"Look, we're both adults. I'm not going to place blame on you, and you can't place blame on me for our own actions. You're here with me because you want to be, just like I want to be here with you."

There was a brief pause.

"You're right."
"You're trying to fight that."
"I can't say no to you."

His thrusts had become ferocious. I was struggling not to moan loudly, because there were people downstairs.

"I don't want you to feel like you're doing something you don't want to. That's why I said what I said to you last time we were together."
"If I didn't want you, I wouldn't be here right now."

For a few minutes, we stopped talking, and my hands explored his body as if it was unfamiliar territory. I was enjoying the moment, and he was just enjoying...me.

"I really tried not to do this."
"Then stop trying not to do it and just accept it for what it is."

He stopped moving his hips, and gave a look as if to say, "I can't believe you just said that to me." I'm laughing to myself at this point, because I don't know if I was talking to him or myself when I said that. I'm laughing because his words were contradictory--he wants me, but he tried to stay away. One thing is for sure--he's lost the same battle with himself that I have. The difference between me and him is that I don't put up such a strong fight with myself lol.

"I can't say no to you."
"Then stop saying no and start saying yes."

I wrapped my legs around his waist.

"You have two choices. You can either walk away from me altogether, or....we can both stop fighting ourselves and just enjoy it while we can."

Our hips started moving in unison again. I used my legs to push him deeper inside of me--he shuddered in response.

"You know you make me weak, don't you?"
"Yeah."
"And you know it too, don't you?" He chuckled.
"Yeah. You know you make me weak too."
"You're seducing me."
"Seduction isn't necessary. I could see in your eyes what you wanted the moment I saw you today."

For a moment, he ceased all movement again, and hovered over me, staring at me as if it was the first time he's ever viewed my naked body. My hands explored his chest, and he leaned in to give me a slow, passionate kiss. It all felt so familiar and so new at the same time.

He started to move his hips again. I let out a soft moan.

"Oh, I forgot there's a house full of people here."
"I don't care. All I care about is you right now."

I let another moan escape my lips. My gaze met his, and I cupped his face with my hands and softly kissed him.

He rode me to new heights of passion, our hips rocking and dancing in unison until we both exploded--together.

He is my bad habit--definitely my drug of choice. One day, I'll check into rehab, but not today.

Sad

2009-02-04T23:05:00.001-06:00

I have been keeping busy the past week. Initially, I thought it was because it's who I am...I am a natural busy body. However, tonight, I had a little down time, and I started to think--perhaps I've been keeping busy to not let my mind wander to him. I was hanging out at Our Friend's house, and it hit me--I have not spoken to MM in a week. I was sitting there trying to have a conversation with Our Friend, but my mind kept going to MM. MM and I would usually meet at Our Friend's house, so I guess it's only natural that my mind would wander to him while I was there.

As I was driving home tonight, I started to feel a little sad. Sad because I haven't spoken to him in a week. Sad because he didn't stop by to say 'hey' like he used to whenever I'm by Our Friend's house. Sad because it's been a week, and he hasn't picked up the phone once to call me.

During my drive, I also started to ask myself questions.

How do I feel about MM? I have no idea. With that question, I am drawing a blank. I care about him a lot, but I don't think it's love. I do love him as a person, but I don't think I'm 'in love'. But what do I know??

Do I miss him? Yes, I do. I miss our phone conversations. I miss how we could always put a smile on each other's face, no matter how we were feeling. I miss sneaking off to have quiet time. I miss his cooking. I miss how I could not stop smiling whenever he was around.

What do I want? I want for us to be friends. I realize that he has shut me out because he doesn't want me around right now--I am an adult and I can see the situation for what it is. However, I do believe that we can be friends, and it sucks that right now, he has no interest in doing so.

Oh well. Such is life.

Weekend Update

2009-02-02T14:16:00.006-06:00

I am tired from this weekend. So tired that I took a day off from work just to recoup (which I don't know if this is really considered a day off when my coworkers are calling me every 5 minutes at home for something they could figure out themselves!!).

I didn't get into any trouble this weekend, however, I still had a good time this weekend. Friday night, I met up with Our Friend to have a drink or two, and when I arrived, he was sitting there with my best friend K. I have not spoken to K in months because we had a war of words three months ago. When I saw her, I was taken aback, but honestly, I'm not one to hold grudges, so I sat at the bar and spoke to both of them, and within a few minutes, we both apologized for the argument we had, and now, we're friends again :)

Saturday night, I went to Our Friend's house to clean up and to start cooking for Sunday. MM's best friend popped in, and we all had a few drinks together and talked about anything and nothing. I absolutely love these guys like they are my family, and I know that I will be friends for life with them, despite the outcome of MM and I. In fact, I think MM and I will eventually be great friends again like we were initially.

Sunday was a blast. MM's best friend informed us that MM was working, so MM was not at the super bowl party. However, I was able to see friends that I haven't seen in a while, so that was great.

Fade to Black

2009-01-29T18:38:00.004-06:00

FYI--this is the same blog, I just changed the name since I'm no longer His Other Woman.

*****************************************************************************
MM just called me. Normally, when I hear his voice, everything is okay. However, I had worked myself into such a frenzy this week from Monday that the sound of his voice did not erase how I was feeling, this time.

I cut to the chase after the hellos. I told him (calmly) that my feelings were a little bruised by Monday night. He told me he knew that I was upset, but he thought it was because "we didn't have sex". I told him that it was more to it than that, I told him that I felt rejected, and that maybe he didn't want to do this anymore--and that's why I told him that night that if he didn't want to do this, just say so and I'd understand. I actually told him that I felt like he did not want me, like he wanted to end it. He apologized, saying he had no idea that I felt that way, and that now he feels bad because he had no idea that's how I felt. He then goes on to tell me that he does not deserve me, that I have a lot to offer and he can't give me what I deserve. He went on to tell me that lately he's been feeling guilty because he can't give me what I deserve.

Then we agreed to be friends, and he told me he would see me on Sunday.

So there you have it. I have officially faded to black. I actually feel better now that I've gotten that off of my chest, because I was afraid that on Sunday, he would show up, and I would not be able to face him. At least now, I can still somewhat avoid him on Sunday, but being in his presence won't be so awkward.

All's well that ends well.

Anyhoo, I'm sure I'll be out getting into much needed trouble for the next few days, so you all have a wonderful weekend!!

The Beginning of the End

2009-01-28T18:47:00.005-06:00

For the past few days I’ve been contemplating what I should do about MM.

I could talk to him...but I don’t think it will do any good right now. I talked to him a few weeks ago about what I viewed as his lack of interest in me—he told me that I’m crazy for thinking that, and here I am, feeling the same way, again.

I could either not give him sex or demand that he gives me oral next time...but that doesn’t erase the fact that I’m feeling that he’s not into me. Heck, apparently he doesn't want to have sex to begin with. And I'm totally fine with that.

I could do nothing...but I think too much damage has been done by his actions (more like lack thereof) for me to continue without doing or saying something.

So what do I do? I am going to phase myself out. Since he hasn't called me all week, I’m definitely not calling him. When I see him, I’m not going to talk to him. At all. I don’t know how successful that will be because I’ve tried the silent method a couple of times before if I was a little ticked off at him....whenever I don’t talk to him, he acts like his feelings are hurt because I’m ignoring him and he ends up pulling me aside to talk by the end of the evening/day/night whatever. However, I’m tired of feeling like this. It’s different if I knew what was going on or what’s going through that head of his, but I don’t. I tried to talk to him and give him a way out if he wanted, and he didn’t do it. So the task is up to me to put an end to it.

I'm up for the challenge.

**********************************************************************************
On a lighter note, I have lost 5 lbs in the past month! My goal is to lose a total of 10 lbs (the same 10 lbs that I've gained in the past year), so I'm halfway there!! It's cause for a celebration!

Also, I need a new blog name. Suggestions anyone??

Rant of Sexual Frustration

2009-01-27T17:15:00.010-06:00

Our Friend invited a few of us over for dinner last night, so I drove to his house after I got off from work. I was preparing mashed potatoes in the kitchen, when MM walked through the door.
At first, everything was great. We all sat down for dinner, then MM and I refilled our wine glasses and ventured upstairs to the game room. I told him that it was great to see him, and I asked what was going on in his life--to which he responded nothing and changed the subject. We talked, joked and flirted with each other in usual form for a while, then I tried to turn the topic back to him.

"I feel that I need to put it out there that if you ever wanted to stop seeing me for whatever reason, you can just tell me, and I would understand and not give you a hard time about it."
He paused, and then he a smile came over his face. "That won't be necessary."
"Well, if it is ever necessary, just let me know. I just wanted to put that out there, and I wanted to let you know that I'd still be friends with you no matter what."
He gave me a strange look. "Where is all of this coming from?"
"I just wanted to put it out there, okay?"
By now he's grinning at me, flirting with his eyes.
"However, if you ever feel like being mischeivous, just call me, and I'll be happy to do that with you as well."
"That's more like it."

After a while, he asked me to refill his drink, and I did. When I returned upstairs, he had relocated to the bedroom.

He was on the bed face down, with his face in his hands. Since I'm unsure of what's going on, I just figured I'd follow his lead, rather than jump all over him (like I wanted to). I kissed him on his ear, and I plopped down on the bed beside him. He gave me a weird look like "what are you doing" lol because I guess normally I would have been all over him, but I wasn't last night. We laid beside each other for a good while, just chit-chatting, and then he stopped talking abruptly and looked at me. We sat in silence for a moment, and then I asked "what do you want"--I was kind of tired of us beating around the bush, and I really was unsure of what he wanted to do--he still was lying next to me with his head in his hands like he was contemplating life or death (okay, that could be an exaggeration, but you get the picture).

"I want you to rub my back."
"Okay." And that I did. I worked his muscles until he started breathing heavily--I could tell he was dozing off. After what seemed like forever, I leaned over and whispered "what do you want now" in his ear.
"I want to turn over." He rolled over onto his back, and I was happy to see his erection.
"And here, I'm thinking you had fallen asleep on me. You're very much awake."
"Rub it for me."

That's where I'll cut off the explicit details--since I'm a state of confusion, I'm not trying to paint the picture of a happy ending to my night.

I was confused. The entire time, I wasn't asking him 'what he wants' to be seductive, or submissive, or to be a considerate lover--I was asking because I DID NOT KNOW!!! When we were just talking, he was flirting with me, but after he moved to the bedroom, he made no moves WHATSOEVER. NONE. ZIP. NADA. I didn't know if he wanted me or not. It's almost like the fire that used to blaze between us has burned down to a flicker.

I know he knew I was horny, but you know what? He received oral, and I received nothing. NOTHING. After he had his orgasm, a few minutes later, he put his clothes on. I guess I'm frustrated because this is not the first time that he's been semi-non responsive to my advances. In all honesty, I'm tired of making the first move sexually. He used to at least show some interest in having sex--it's not there anymore. I know that MM and I are way more than just sex, but dammit, this man knew I wanted him last night, and he didn't give me anything. NOTHING. NADA.

*SIGH*

We went back downstairs, and the music was playing from the stereo. MM pulled me to him to dance, but I was non responsive to anything he was doing or saying--it wasn't on purpose. I had a LONG day at work, so I was just not in a jovial mood after my semi-rejection. After he saw in my face that I was no longer smiling ear to ear (like I usually do when he's around), he gave me a strange look, and he let me go. We went into the kitchen, and even Our Friend gave me a strange look like 'what happened.' I was not saying a word to anybody. I wasn't mad, I just felt rejected. I would have been happier if we had just stayed in the game room talking, rather than leave unsatisfied.

I guess MM picked up on my mood, because he held me from behind while I washed dishes. He promised that he would drop off some food for the super bowl party to be cooked on Saturday, and he looked in my face searching for a response...I said nothing--I was in my own world consumed with my own thoughts. I went to the bathroom to wipe the make up off of my face and to wash my face, and MM followed me. I think he knew how I felt--I could see it in his face when I looked at him. We just stood looking at each other in complete silence for what seemed like forever.

He finally spoke and told me he was leaving, so I leaned in to give him an one-arm hug. He grabbed me wrapped both of his arms around me, but I didn't respond. He let me go, and looked in my face, and I walked off to get my things, as I was headed home myself.

I just feel defeated right now, because his words are trying to convince me that everything is fine, while his actions are telling me otherwise. And this isn't all about sex--I just feel rejected. I haven't seen him in two weeks, we barely talk on the phone anymore, and when I do see him, it's one and he's done???? I need more than that. I need to feel wanted if we're sleeping together, and he's not doing anything to show me that he wants me right now.

If anything, I feel like I belong in that new movie "He's Just Not That Into You".

I'm thinking about renaming this blog.

**After re-reading my post, I am laughing at myself because I sound like a spoiled brat because I didn't get an orgasm!! **

The Writing is On the Wall???

2009-01-22T00:12:00.004-06:00

I have no idea what is going on. I have not spoken to MM since Monday, which is kinda odd. I went to Our Friends house tonight, and according to Our Friend, MM was supposed to show, but he did not. I have a feeling that something is going on. I'm too sleepy to try to figure it out right now though.

Oh well...

I just wish everything was cut and dry. Or maybe the writing is on the wall and I fail to see it???

2009-01-19T19:10:00.000-06:00

I called MM yesterday to invite him to Our Friend's house to watch football, and he didn't return my call. Our Friend and MM's best friend (who came by) called him as well, and MM didn't return any of their phone calls by the end of the night as well. I knew something was up...it's not like him to be off from work and miss watching the playoff games with all of us.

When I called him today, he was home, and while it's not unusual for him to sound distracted and despondent when he's at home, he sounded different--moreso upset. Initially, he was sniffling, and I kept inquiring if he was okay, or if everything was okay, and initially he told me he was okay. After more prodding, he admitted he was 'sick'. I'm not so sure I buy that he's sick....his voice sounded more upset than sick. Now that I think of it, the past two times I have talked to him, he just did not sound like his usual cheerful self. I have a feeling that something is going on that he's not telling me about, but I'm sure that in time, he'll spill. He's not one to keep things bottled up for too long.

I spent the next few minutes trying to make him laugh and making a fuss over his 'illness'. I told him that he needs to take better care of himself and stop trying to be everything to everybody. He is always on the go--hanging out at his friends' houses, doing things for his family, doing things for his mom, hunting or fishing--he never takes a day off from everyone to rest. He's a busybody and is seldom at home. I told him he needed a break and stop being on the go all of the time.

"Will you do something for me?"
"What's that?"
"Get some sleep."
He chuckled.
"I'll try. I won't make any promises because I haven't been sleeping well lately."
"Awww poor baby. I'll let you go so you can get some rest. I just called to say hi and to check on you."
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii." We both chuckled at his silliness. "Thank you for calling to check up on me."
"I hope you feel better soon."
"Thanks. I appreciate you saying that." I could hear him smiling over the phone.
"Take care. I'll talk to you later."

I felt better to make him laugh for a few minutes. Since I had to prod to get him to admit to even being 'sick', I figure I won't call him until things return to normal. I get the feeling that he's trying to sort something out, and the last thing I want to do is to make things more complicated for him, or myself for that matter.

In other news...

D is turning out to be a 'clinger'. I have not seen him since he started freaking me out (we only had sex twice). We had a couple of the 'talks' in the past week (one too many in one week IMO). He just doesn't get it, so I can't even talk to him anymore.

Tuesday night, I met up with a guy for dinner after work. D texts "Hi Friend" while I was on my date. I didn't respond because....I dunno, I feel like it's a little rude to sit there and text another guy while I'm on a date with another man, unless I go to the bathroom to do so. Twenty minutes later, he texted "You're not my friend anymore?" I called him while I was driving home, and I tried to talk to him, saying that I only want to be friends with him, I don't want a relationship, and I would like things to go back to how they were before we had sex and before the creepy random texts started...I was borderline mean because he would say he understood what I was saying, then he would turn around the next moment and ask me 'where were you when I texted', 'why won't you come and see me tonight'....I eventually got off of the phone because he was annoying me. By this point, I'm totally turned off.

Wednesday night...more texts of when will he see me, and telling me I sucked because I wouldn't come over.

Thursday night...I had just left work and on my way to meet friends for dinner, again, and he texted "I'm tired of thinking about you." I responded "then don't." Immediately, he called, asking what was that supposed to mean, and once again, I had to tell him that I only wanted to be friends, and I didn't need this. Then he goes on to question my whereabouts for the day, even though I just told him I had just left work. He even throws in an insinuation that I'm a player and I'm dating several men, and I'm not making any time for him...

Friday night, he texted "where are you". I did not respond.

Saturday night, at 1 am, he texted "when am I going to see you?" I didn't respond. He called Sunday afternoon.

"Hey."
"Hi."
"I texted you last night."
"I got it."
"Oh, okay." pause. "So when am I going to see you?"
I let out a loud sigh. "I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Look D. I'm tired of having the same conversation with you."
"Well, excuse the heck out of me. I just want to see you. Are you going to your boyfriend's house today?"
"Excuse me?"
"Are you going to watch the games at your boyfriend's house today?" He was referring to Our Friend, and he tries to insinuate that I'm sleeping with Our Friend, which I'm not, and he even knows as much.
"Anyway, I'm about to go. I don't have time for this."
"Well, when am I going to see you?"
"That's not a high priority for me right now." At this point, my patience is pretty short...when I tell him no or I have plans to do something, then he starts insinuating that I'm sleeping with every Tom, Dick, and Harry. You'd swear I'm in a relationship with his constant questioning.
"Okay. I'll let you go."
"Bye."

He had the nerve to text me at 11pm "Busy?"
"Yes I am. Why????????????????"
"Because I want to see you."

I'm not going to answer anymore texts or phone calls. Forget trying to be friends, because he has worked my final nerve. And apparently lacks comprehension. I want him to just disappear. I really hate that I slept with him.

Oh well.

Since MM hasn't been attentive this past week (and D seems to be losing it), I realized something. I realized that while I'm in no rush to be in a relationship at the moment, I do want someone that I can at least go out on a date with consistently. Someone who can provide my sexual fix....at least once a week. Someone who can provide companionship without being needy, creepy, clingy or possessive.

Am I asking too much???!!

I'm Thinking

2009-01-16T21:07:00.002-06:00

Dear MM,

I'm thinking...that since I only talked to you once this week, that I should just vent about how frustrated I am about that on this blog. What I didn't tell you was that I was in a room filled with people at work when you called, and I couldn't talk or say what I really wanted to say.

I'm thinking...that I am not liking this right now.

I'm thinking...that when I don't hear from you like I usually do, that you are not thinking about me.

I'm thinking...that while I'm sitting at home on a Friday night thinking about you, that I haven't even crossed your mind.

I'm thinking...that you're thinking of her. It's only right that you do that, right? I mean, she is your wife.

I'm thinking....what is the purpose in seeing me?? If she's who you want, then I'm not standing in your way. I want you to be happy either way.

I'm thinking...that maybe this isn't something that I want to do too much longer. While I enjoy your company immensely, and I can even tolerate not seeing you but once a week or whenever your schedule allows, I absolutely hate not talking to you.

I'm thinking...that despite the fact that you said I was being 'impatient' last week because I was upset about not seeing you, that I have been patient with you throughout this entire ordeal. In fact, it's out of my character to even be patient lol.

I'm thinking....this frustration that I feel will pass the moment that I see you or you call me.

I'm thinking...that maybe I'm overthinking. Or maybe I'm just voicing some things that I should think about.

I'm thinking...that right now, I'm going to stop thinking about you, because thinking about you is not going to make my phone ring tonight.

Love,
Your Baby

Sated

2009-01-12T19:10:00.004-06:00

He was standing next to me, staring at my tattoo. I have a panther tattooed above my right hip...that night, my 'kitty' was peeping over my low-rise jeans.

"Are you looking at my kitty?"
"Yes." He licked his lips, and reached over to outline my 'kitty' with his finger.
"If you keep playing with my kitty, she's going to bite you."
"That's what I'm hoping for. Meet me upstairs."

When we were behind closed doors, he took off all of his clothes, except for his undershirt. Before I could protest (I wanted him to be completely naked), he lifted my shirt and exposed a nipple from my strapless bra, and gently sucked it.

I moved away from him to undress....after I was naked, he laid back onto the bed....and that nonverbal motion let me know that it was my turn to please him, and I did not mind at all.

"Why did you leave on your shirt? You know I love to look at your body." He has the most amazing athletic body...muscles rippling everywhere.

"Take it off for me."

I happily obliged. After I removed his shirt, I straddled him, and leaned in to give him a deep, hungry kiss. I gyrated my hips over his awakening manhood as we kissed until we both were in a frenzy. I softly licked his neck behind his right ear....his spot...he grabbed my hips and pushed his cock towards my opening as if he was ready for insertion. I wasn't ready yet....I still had some more teasing to do.

I moved to his nipples and lightly sucked on them.....his body started shivering in response to what I was doing to him. I migrated lower, and I inserted my tongue into his belly button. He opened his legs and pushed his erect cock into the air, because he knew where I was going next. I grabbed his cock with my right hand, while I moved down to suck on his balls. He let out a soft moan, then he started rubbing my backside, looking for that soft, wet middle. He started fingering my clit, making me momentarily lose focus on what I was doing. When I could regain my composure, I licked the length of his cock, and flicked my tongue across the tip, until his cock was pulsing with every flick of my tongue. I took him into my mouth, and he let out another soft moan. I was hungry, and I sucked his cock with a hunger that I never possessed before.

After a few minutes, he jumped up and in one swift movement, he was standing in front of me and trying to flip me over. I protested because I was still hungry.

"Baby, why did you stop me? I'm not finished with you yet."

I turned around and his erect cock was staring me in the face. I grabbed it and started sucking it again, moving ferociously....I was hungry for his cock. He grabbed my hair and started pushing me onto him in rhythm with every stroke of my mouth. When he was close to climax, he pushed me back onto the bed, and mounted me. His penis naturally found my opening, and he slowly entered.

"Is this what you wanted?"

I shook my head in agreement as I couldn't talk....of course this is what I wanted...it had been weeks since we were intimate.

He held his body up over me, to have a view as our bodies methodically moved in unison. He likes to watch my body react to him.

"Come here." He laid down on me so that we had full body contact. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and pushed him deeper into me.

"Baby, let me go." His cock stiffened....I knew what was happening.

"No."

"Uh uh, baby, let me go now."

"No." I clinched my legs tighter around his waist...so tight that he couldn't pull out.

I felt his cock grow even more stiff, and I knew I had him where I wanted him.

"I'm not ready to cum...please let me go!!!"

"No."

He stared at me, his eyes begging me to let go. He leaned down and kissed me passionately, sucking all of his juices off of my tongue. His hips started to rock more forcefully...each thrust pushing his cock deeper inside of me...his impending orgasm taking me along for the ride with him. As I climaxed, I grabbed his ass and moved onto him with each thrust of his pelvis....he was about to explode with me, and I was enjoying every moment of it.

Seconds later, he shuddered, and his thrusts became more violent. I rubbed his bald head...he grabbed my hand to stop...he was releasing and my touch was too much for him at that moment...he let out another series of shudders and moans. My hands reached for any part of his body that I could touch, and he again grabbed my hand to stop. I cupped his face with my hands, and our eyes locked....he was still shuddering, and his eyes began to glaze over. This went on for what seemed like minutes.....I looked on in amazement...

"Oh my God, are you trying to kill me?" He asked, after he....finished.

I chuckled. "Not at all. If I did that, then who would please me like you do?"

He blushed. "I have never had an orgasm that intense before."

"Good. I'm happy that I could do that for you."

We laid there post-sex happy....talking...joking...laughing...teasing. Eventually, we dozed off...as always...completely sated.

2009-01-12T07:11:00.006-06:00

All and all, my weekend was pretty good. I saw MM again on yesterday :o) I've decided that I will stop giving him such a hard time. Patience is something that I have to work on.

Anyway, I have a small dilemma. Remember the 'Friend' (I will refer to him as D) that I slept with last week? Well, D appears to be the clingy type. I didn't hear from him for a week, then Thursday he started texting....and hasn't stopped since. He texts me all day and night, and honestly, I'm beginning to get turned off by that.

I met a couple of girlfriends for lunch on yesterday, and D texted to see where I was. He asked if he could see me for a few minutes, so I told him to meet me and my friends at the restaurant. It was a small group of us, and as soon as D sat down next to me, he started to hang all over me. I have no problem with public affection, but I really don't consider us to be 'dating', so I was not comfortable with that. I subtly told him to stop pulling and grabbing at me, to which he replied "I'm sorry", but yet he didn't stop. After about 30 minutes, we all decided to leave. D walked me out to my car, but the entire time, he was holding on to my belt loop....he was being extremely clingy. I got into my car, and he started stalling....questioning me about my whereabouts the previous day and what my plans were for the day (even though I already told him what they were). D knew that I had plans to go to Our Friend's house on yesterday to watch football, so I can only guess that's why he was stalling (even though he knows Our Friend and he knows that our relationship is innocent). D asked if he could see me later on in the day, and I told him some other day because I probably wouldn't make it home until late.

Then D asked me 'I'm trying to figure out what am I to you.' I was baffled. Over the past week, we have not seen each other....we only communicate via texts he sends...that statement came from the left field in my opinion. I told him that we would talk about that later. We said our goodbyes, and I left.

Around 8pm, D texted. This is the text convo that proceeded:

D: Where are you? What are you doing?
Me: I'm still at Our Friend's house.
D: Am I going to see you tonight?
Me: No, I will have to see you some other time.
D: I hate you.
Me: Why?
D: Because I want to be with you right now.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. I will talk to you soon.
D: Ok. But I still hate you.

He was joking (I hope) when he said he hates me, but still....what the heck? The last thing that I want is to hurt D's feelings. BUT, I have to talk to him about this. I would like to continue to be friends with him if nothing else. I mean, I will still try to see where this goes, but I think I already know. I would like to take it slow, and I don't think he does. Yeah, that's great for me to say after we have slept together, but just because you sleep with someone does not make them your instant girlfriend??

I have to get refresher notes on this casual sex thing. Maybe there's some step that I'm leaving out????

Our First Argument

2009-01-11T02:24:00.007-06:00

**Note**
From here on out, Our Friend refers to a mutual friend whose house that MM and I meet out of convenience. To give some background of my relationship with Our Friend...I have known him for many years, and we are pretty close. He's like family to me, that's how close we are. Our Friend went to high school with MM, and in recent years, they ran into each other after many years and have since became close buds. When MM was separated from his wife, Our Friend introduced MM to me....and that's were the saga begins lol.

Also, I'm tired...I got home at 2:30am tonight, so if my writing is confusing and/or incoherent, I apologize :o)

********************************************************************************

Thursday....MM and I had our first real argument. Other than our exchange of words on Wednesday, we don't argue. We discuss things, and either come to some understanding of each other or just agree to disagree. Not Thursday night.

I had not heard from MM by the time I got off of work Thursday. We made plans to meet at our regular 'meeting spot' on Wednesday, so I called Our Friend to find out what his plans for the evening were. MM did call him and made plans to come by later that night (it was 6:30pm at the time), after he finished having a few drinks with his friends. I think that I was just in a crazed mood, because I was very irritated by the fact that MM did not call me all day on Thursday, and that he was hanging out with his friends rather than waiting on my arrival. I think I was just frustrated with the fact that I had not seen him in weeks, and that was working my final nerve. When I heard that MM would be by Our Friend's house later that night, I became irritated, and I decided to drive home instead of to Our Friend's house.

I called MM, and he asked where I was. I told him that I was headed home, and he asked "WHY?" That's where the argument began. I'll admit, I started bitching because I felt like he was not making any real effort to see me, so I wasn't going to make one either. After going back and forth arguing about this, MM started yelling at me, saying "look, I don't have to listen to this crap tonight. You do what you have to do." I hung the phone up in his face. He called back to ask why did I hang up in his face, and I told him I didn't feel like talking anymore, and I hung up again.

I was being harsh. I was frustrated because I had not seen him in weeks....and to me, sometimes, I feel like he has no interest in me....which now that I type it out and I absorb it, those words sound a little unfounded since he's putting up with my crap right now, but still...

Anyway, I usually talk to Our Friend a couple of times a week (in addition to when I meet with MM at his house), so he called me this afternoon. Our Friend told me that he invited friends over to watch football, so I went to Our Friends' house. I was the first person to arrive, so of course, Our Friend started inquiring about the argument between MM and I. I really wasn't giving any details because I don't want to put Our Friend in the middle of our situation (which is almost impossible since we meet at his house). That didn't stop him from telling me about their conversation. After I hung up with MM on Thursday, apparently, MM called Our Friend and told him that I have been giving him a hard time lately, and if there was anything bothering me that I wasn't telling him, because it wasn't 'like me' to act 'like that' with him. When Our Friend told me that, I laughed, and told him I am okay. And basically, I did whatever I could to sort of end that conversation, because MM is the only person I wanted to talk to about how I'm feeling. Our Friend later hinted that I was getting a surprise later, which I already knew the surprise (or not so) would be MM.

MM showed up a few hours later. Looking sexy as ever.

When I saw him, I wasn't upset anymore, but I could tell MM was upset with me though. Initially he wouldn't even make eye contact with me....he was that upset. I have to admit that I was a little amused, because I knew he would not stay mad at me for long. Eventually we made a little small talk, and when I was ready to abandon even trying to communicate with me, MM pulled me aside, and we started to talk. I told him that I was frustrated with not seeing him for that long, and I was beginning to feel like his interest in me was dwindling....and when I said those words, I realized that I'm beginning to become a little insecure. He told me that since I returned from my Christmas trip, that it seemed like my interest in seeing him was not there either, and since my trip that I was more argumentative with him, so he was trying not to force the situation. He apologized for his actions, and I followed suit and apologized for being so short with him lately. Then we kissed and made up ;), and we were acting like the past few weeks never happened.

You'd think that I would be happy because we kissed and made up, right? Well, in a sense, yes. Sure. When I saw he was visibly upset with me, I was like "wow, he really does care about me"...and after we made up, I was okay....I felt like things are back to normal....at least on his end lol. However, now that I'm home and alone and thinking, I'm trying to figure out what the heck am I doing? Maybe that's why I have been so fussy lately, because I'm trying to figure this out? Maybe I'm trying to fight this? It's obvious that I care about him, otherwise I would not react to anything.

*sigh*

Maybe I should just go to sleep and just let it be instead of overthinking or overanalyzing.

If Only...

2009-01-07T18:02:00.011-06:00

MM called me bright and early this morning. At 6am. From work. I was in the midst of getting my last bit of good sleep when he called.

"Hey Baby."

**silence**

"I called you last night."
"I saw that."
"I also got the sporty message you left. 'Don't bother calling me back' eh? Well, guess what, I called you."
"I didn't answer."
"Why didn't you answer? I was waiting around for you to call me back."
"I really was not in the mood to hear excuses. I promise, I would have screamed in your ear last night if I would have heard anything crazy come out of your mouth, so I just didn't answer the phone."

He laughed. I don't know if he thought I was joking, but I was serious. He would have heard a piercing screech through the phone.

"You're funny."
"I'm glad you think so, because I don't."
"I don't understand why you're mad at me. I called to see you on Monday night, and you blew me off. "

**Pause **

MM did indeed call me on Monday night. He did ask me what I was doing, and he did tell me that he was at our usual meeting place (our friends house) waiting on the football game to come on. However, I did not know that I was supposed to read his mind, and when he asked me 'what am I doing' , I was supposed to read it to mean "I want you to come over here and watch the game with us." Silly me.

(BTW he lives approximately 20+ miles outside of the city...maybe 35 or more minutes away from me given there is no traffic, so most of the time, we meet at a friend's house, out of convenience.)

**Play**

"How was I supposed to know that you wanted me to come? For all I know, it could have been guys night."
"I told you I was going to the meeting place. Why do you think I was there to begin with? I was tired after working all day, and since you wasn't there, I would have preferred to be at home."
"Well, I didn't know. I'm not a mind reader. Sometimes you have to spell it out for me."

(I always hear men complain that women want them to read their minds...Is this a bit of role reversal perhaps??)

"As you can see, I'm working today anyway, so I would have had to leave early last night."
"And I guess your finger was broken yesterday? You couldn't call me to tell me that you were working today?"
"I called you last night!!"
"Yeah, after I called and left you a message."

I know, I was being bitchy.

"Baby, you just feel like being upset with me. What do you want me to do now?"
"Are you sure you want to me to answer that question?"
"Yes. What do you want me to do? What's going to make you feel better at this point?"
"I just wanted to see your face. That's all I wanted."
"Well, in the future, what do you want me to do? I told you I'm not letting you go, so if you're thinking of leaving me alone, that's not an option. So tell me what do I have to do to keep that smile on your face?"

So many thoughts were going through my head with that question...I can't and will not bring myself to ask him to do what I really want him to do. I do know that I wanted to be upset, but I couldn't be. I was losing the battle at this point..

"I don't like to be disappointed MM. And I don't feel like you're making any real effort to see me right now, that's just how I feel."
"Well, I feel like you're blowing me off too. Okay, I was late on Sunday. But when I did call you, you were out. I called you Monday, and you blew me off again. How am I supposed to know you want to see me when you're blowing me off?"

Okay, this is when I realize that I was a little at fault by getting upset last night.....but just a little. Patience is a virtue that I tend to lack. He does have other obligations, and when he's not on time, I make other plans. That will not change however....I can't spend my life waiting on him!!

"MM, I would have been content with just one minute. I told you as much."
"I know, but I haven't seen you in a while...I want more than a minute when I do see you."

*sigh*

If he pulled the 'diversion of fault' trick here, it worked. I have been blowing him off when he's late...however, I felt like he was blowing me off too. Now that I think of it, he called me on New Years because he wanted to sneak away before work, but I was at a friend's house. Okay, so I am at fault too. But my share of the blame is not as big as his lol.

So, it turns out his day off is tomorrow instead. He's promised to make it happen tomorrow. For some reason, I believe him this time.

*********************************************************************************

I never wanted to get to the point where this man, this married man that I cannot have, is invading my thoughts. I never wanted to get to a point where I wanted to let go before my feelings ran too deep, and I get hurt. I always thought I had my feelings in check. Some kind of magnetism keeps drawing me in when I want to let go....

If only I could say what I was really thinking when he asked "what do you want me to do?"

If only he had not called me...

It's Over. I Mean It This Time.

2009-01-06T18:45:00.004-06:00

"Do you know what day it is? It's Tuesday. And you did exactly as I predicted you would do today. Don't bother calling me back because I don't even feel up to hearing the excuse you have this time."

That was the voice mail I left for MM a few minutes ago.

I'm disappointed. Yeah, I expected for him to not keep his word today, but still, I'm disappointed. Again. What else is new. I mean, he could have at least given me the courtesy of a phone call sometime today to let me know he wouldn't be able to make it. I could get over not seeing him (I'm used to it), but to stand me up without a phone call?? He was at work all day, and any other time, he can call me from work, but the day that he 'promised' he would see me, no call, no show.

I don't like to be disappointed. This is becoming a habit.

It's over. I mean it this time.

Disappointment leads to Pleasure

2009-01-05T18:50:00.011-06:00

It's five days into 2009, and I have yet to lay eyes upon MM. I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks....since before Christmas to be exact. I was supposed to see him this weekend, but we're like two ships passing in the night right now. As soon as he got off of work Saturday morning, he drove to the next state for an overnight hunting trip. When I talked to him on Saturday, MM promised me he would be back at noon on Sunday (yesterday), and he would see me then.

Of course, noon came and went...no phone call from MM. Around 1pm, I met up with my guy friends to watch the play off games and to have a few cocktails...I knew MM was not going to call at the designated time, and I refused to sit around all day waiting for him, just to end up disappointed.

MM did call me at 6:30pm, which as of late, is perfectly on time, for him.

"Hey."
"Hi MM."
"Where are you?"
"At the sports bar."
"Oh. I thought you would be at home."
"Not anymore. You told me you would call at noon."
"I know but I didn't get back until just now."
"Oh well."
"I was hoping I would see you tonight, but it's okay. I wouldn't have much time tonight anyway because I go back to work tomorrow morning."
"Ummm hmmm."
"You better behave yourself while you're out, since I can't see you today."
"You have no idea who you're messing with do you?!"
"Yes I do."
"Oh, you do?"
"Yes. Ms. GottaHaveIt. Ms. GottaHaveIt right away."
"Well, I guess you do know then."
"Ms. GottaHaveIt, you better behave yourself tonight."
"Oh, I'll try but I won't make any empty promises. I guess I'll just see you when I see you."
"I promise I'll see you soon."
"Whatever."
"Wait, baby, are you mad at me?"
"No, I'm not mad."
"Yes you are. You said 'whatever'. 'Whatever' means you're mad."
"I'm not mad."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I'm not. Disappointed, but not mad."
"I'm messing up. I'll make it up to you, I promise, I'll see you very soon."
"Doesn't that sound familiar?! You said the same thing a week ago and I have yet to see you. So I'll just see you when I see you."
"Baby, I don't like the way that sounds. You sound upset with me. How about Tuesday night?! Better yet, I'm going to surprise you Tuesday, okay? I'm going to shock you."
"Baby, I'm not upset. Trust me. I'll just see you when I see you MM."
"Okay."
"Enjoy your evening MM."
"You too Baby."
"Oh, I will."

And I did.

I was pretty naughty last night. Since it was obvious to me that I would not get my sexual fix from MM last night (or in the near future for that matter because I'm in an indifferent mood as far as he's concerned right now), I had to get it from somewhere.

Yesterday, I was flirting with a guy who before last night, I considered a 'friend'. I have known him for a few years. I guess deep down inside I really wanted to experience him sexually, but I have always tried to suppress it....because he was a 'friend' to me. I have tried to make it a policy to not sleep with men that have been put into the 'friend' category....sex tends to ruin friendships.

So much for that...

After my disappointing conversation with MM, it was on my mind. I guess 'friend' could tell, because he playfully asked "so, are we going back to my place tonight?" We flirt a lot with each other (I'm a huge flirt), and it's not unusual for him to jokingly ask me that question at some point. Last night, I caught him off guard with my response.

"Let's go. I'll follow you in my car."

His mouth dropped. He quickly regained his composure, and we hopped in our cars and headed to his house.

I have to say.... I had no idea that 'friend' was the considerate, careful, considerate, thoughtful, passionate, considerate (did I say considerate already??) lover that he is!! I'm speechless. Just wow. BIG WOW.

I don't think I can do it again though. I really enjoy being friends with him. I've made the mistake before of sleeping with 'friends', and I don't want to lose our friendship. But dayum... it may be worth it!!

Guess Who Wants a Baby for 2009??!!

2009-01-02T04:09:00.006-06:00

I'm up this early because my neighbors are screwing each other's brains out (I live in a condo so tonight my walls are unusually paper thin). Any other time, I don't hear them going at it, but I guess this is just the gods toying with me today because I haven't had sex in a couple of WEEKS, SO NOW I CAN'T FALL BACK ASLEEP!! LOL

Anyhoo, I had an interesting (perplexing, confusing, etc etc) conversation with MM yesterday. He called me a couple of hours after he got off work to see where I was and what I was doing. I told him I was at my friends house....I stayed over from the New Year's Eve party to help clean up...and I was too intoxicated to drive home.

Anywhatever, he was trying to see me, but I wasn't home, and wasn't going home for a while. We chit chatted for a bit, then he asked what were my New Year's resolutions. I replied I didn't make them anymore....I usually break them before the end of January any given year so a few years ago, I gave up on making them at all. Anyhoo, then......MM said "What about having my baby boy?" I thought my ears were playing tricks on me, so I had him repeat the question like three more times....it just seemed like a very odd statement given the fact that he's, you know, MARRIED. When MM repeated the question, his fishing buddies (he was out fishing again) in the background asked "what about a baby girl??" to which MM responded "No, I want her to have a boy for her first child. I have a strong feeling we would have a boy first."

My thought process: WTF??!! I was so taken aback by his joking around about a baby that I couldn't even muster up a response...I just laughed it off and changed the subject. However, since this is the umpteenth time he's mentioned a baby, apparently this is something that's on his mind.

I know that sometimes sex can supercede logic, and honestly I think he's caught up in some fantasy. I'm not ready to have a kid for a number of reasons: I'm unmarried....I grew up in a single parent home, and I don't want that reality for any child that I bring into the world if I can help it...and I want a bigger house and to be more financially stable before I have kids. MM and I have never discussed him leaving his wife to be with me, and I have never asked that of him, so for him to keep bringing up having a baby with me is a bit....perplexing to say the least. Not to mention that I'm having fun in my singledom (is that even a word?? lol), and having a kid isn't even on my 'to do' list at the moment.

All I know is....I have to talk to him when I see him. Like a serious talk. Like I said, I think a baby is on his mind, and it's obvious to me that he wants one since he keeps bringing it up. While I have to admit, I even fantasize about what it would be like if we were together, I refuse to live in that fantasy. I believe in being realistic...at least as much as humanly possible lol.

I mean, come on, a baby for 2009??!! WTF??!!!!

Whatever

2008-12-31T10:24:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, MM and I had plans to meet around noon (it was his idea). I was supposed to meet him at our friends house on my way home...I was driving back into the city from my hometown. At noon, I was about 10 miles outside of the city, so I called him to let him know I was running a little behind. He didn't answer (which is typical when I call, but he usually calls back within minutes). We planned to meet early because he is working nights this week (I find it odd that he volunteers to work for every holiday versus spending it with his family, but whatever). I drove to my friends house where we were going to meet, waited a few minutes, then I left and drove home. I will be the first to admit that I am a bit impatient, and since I had just arrived back to the city, I was NOT up for spending my day waiting around for him when I had tons of things to do...especially when I woke up EARLY to get on the road so that I could meet him at the time we agreed upon.

Anyway, about an hour later, he finally called, but by that time I was almost home.

Me: (irritated) Hi MM.
MM: Hi, where are you?
Me: Almost home.
MM: You are??!!
Me: Yes. I went by friends house and waited a few minutes, but when you didn't call back immediately, I assumed you were tied up.
MM: Why didn't you just wait for me?
Me: Well, I didn't know what happened or if you were even going to show, so I left. I have a lot to do today anyway.
MM: Oh. I'm still out in the water fishing, but I'm on my way back now.

Then he goes into this long drawn out story about his boat trailer broke, so he had to go to the store to get a part to fix it, hence is the excuse for why he was late. I have to admit, I was NOT in the mood to be stood up yesterday, and I was a bit short with him.

Me: Well, whatever.
MM: I'm sorry. (chuckling) Now you see how I felt when you left without seeing me.
Me: Whatever.
MM: Don't worry. I will see you soon. I promise.
Me: Whatever. Let me let you go.
MM: Yeah, I need to get out of this water and get home since I have to work tonight. I'll call you soon.
Me: Whatever. Bye.

Anyone who knows me knows that when I use the word whatever like that, then I am NOT happy.

His idea of soon will be this weekend, because he's working nights all week. I for one may or may not make time to see him this weekend....I have a wedding to go to and friends that are in town visiting.

I'm really getting an indifferent attitude towards him now. I'm not mad, just really not entertained by this crap at the moment (that may all change once I see his face, but whatever lol). Perhaps I'm being a bit selfish, but this is an inconvenience for me, and I don't like to be inconvenienced. Every time I date someone, it seems like the relationship becomes all about him....like I'm supposed to jump when he says jump. Well, I'm tired of operating like that. For once, I want it to be all about me. It's unrealistic, I know, but I feel like being self-indulgent for once.

But Whatever.

So, since I didn't see MM, I called my Plan B after I arrived at home. Plan B is turning out to be a dud...it appears he has a girlfriend or some craziness....I have enough on my hands with MM to deal with more crap from another guy. Anyway, when I called Plan B, he wanted me to call him later in the evening so that we could decide where to meet up. Well, I called him around 7pm, and his phone was turned off. I deleted his number from my phone because I should have never called him to begin with.

Let's rewind two weeks. I was at a daiquiri shop that I frequent having drinks with a few friends, and Plan B called. I met Plan B months ago at the same daiquiri shop I frequent, and we recently started seeing each other. Anyway, Plan B lives close to the daiquiri shop, so he asked me to stop by when I left that night. Well, I guess I was taking too long to call him back, so he called again about an hour later, and told me he was going to sleep early (it was 8pm at the time). I went to his house. We were cuddling, and he started to make moves. I really wasn't in the mood....something did not seem right. Well, around 9pm, I guess that things were not progressing as fast as he liked, so he announced "You have to leave by 10". I was a little taken aback by that, and I told him that I could leave. I got up to leave, but he told me he wanted me to stay for a while, adding "I have a 'friend' coming over at 11". I got out of there ASAP. The last thing I needed was to be caught in the middle of some drama....I was wondering why he even asked me to come over when he had company already coming over??!!!

Plan B is turning out to be a jerk. Oh well. Whatever.

On to Plan C....whoever that is.

Merry Christmas!!

2008-12-24T10:32:00.000-06:00

I am in my hometown, and my Mom still has dial-up...she has not upgraded to high speed internet, so I've resorted to blogging from my cell phone. I never realized just how dependent I am on technology/internet until now.

Anyway, yesterday MM called after I had already left the city...he was a bit upset that I left without seeing him first. I apologized, but I figured he would call me in the morning, as I told him I would get on the highway at noon. Turns out the big hoorah was because he had a gift that he wanted me to have before I left. *sigh* I'm not a mind reader...and he knew what day and what time I was hitting the highway so...oh well. He really did sound like he was disappointed, so I'll have to make it up to him when I get home. Not that I really mind doing so lol.

Anywho, I am on kitchen duty today...which is fine since I don't have real INTERNET!!!

Happy Holidays to everyone and be safe!!

This Can't Be Good

2008-12-22T22:10:00.003-06:00

A week ago, I tried to break it off with MM, for many reasons. I suspect his wife tried to call me a couple of weeks ago, because every time he would call me, a strange number would call me minutes later. I didn't answer because I don't answer unknown phone numbers, and they did not leave a message. However, after a week or so of receiving the weird phone calls, I didn't hear from him for a few days....which is not like him. I'll admit, I was a little frustrated that I did not hear from him. Soo....I was thinking about things one day last week, and I decided that it would be best to end it before it gets too complicated and I end up hurt...

Exactly a week ago, he called me, and I told him that our 'relationship' is getting a little complicated, and I would rather end it and be able to be friends with him before things turn nasty...he replied "okay. I understand." I was relieved, because I would rather end it before it gets out of control. That was easy. It's over.

So I thought...

Yesterday, I was at our usual meeting spot (a mutual friends house), and my phone rang, and lo and behold, MM's number pops up on the caller ID.

"Hello MM."
"Hi FRIEND." He chuckled. Like it's some big joke.
"Hi. How are you?"
"Great FRIEND. Where are you??"

He knew where I was....he was passing by the house and saw my car parked in the driveway.

"Where do you think I am?"
"Watching football as usual. Want me to pop in and say Hi Friend?"
I chuckled. "Sure, why not, FRIEND."

He came into the house, and we all congregated in the kitchen to chat and mix drinks. I fixed his usual, and then I went to the bathroom. As soon as I stepped out of the bathroom, he was right outside the door. He was staring at me...flirting with his eyes. I could smell his cologne....he smelled soooo good. All I could manage to do was stare back at him.

"You know we're not over, right?"
"Is that right?"
"Right. I'm not letting you go. You're not finished with me."
"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't get that memo."
"Well, I'm delivering it to you now."

Then he kissds me. A deep kiss so intense that it made me shiver. It's making me shiver just thinking about it now.

A few minutes later, I went outside to my car, and he followed me. I turned to say something to him, and the next thing I know, he pinned me up against the side of the house and he kissed me again. And again. It was freezing cold out, but I didn't feel any of it.

Then he questioned me about when I was leaving to travel to my hometown, and I told him Tuesday. He told me that he wanted to see me before I leave, and I told him I would think about it. Tonight, he did call. He did try to come to my house, but I was tired. And had chores. And I guess I'm trying to hold out from seeing him until I can figure out what the heck I'm doing....this is beginning to get out of control. I'll be the first to admit.

I have never experienced anything like this ever in my life. Everything is so intense....so intense that it scares me. Our connection is intense. I feel so comfortable around him. It just feels right...so natural.

How can something like this feel so natural??

This can't be good.

The Synopsis

2008-12-08T20:42:00.000-06:00

I never thought that I would ever 'date' a married man.

I used to think that something was morally wrong with women that dated married men....or perhaps they lacked self esteem and felt that's the best that they could do. Or I used to think that the other woman was a woman who lacked morals who preyed upon the poor helpless married men who can't say no to the vixen who's chasing him . But the truth of the matter is....sh*t happens.

How did I end up being the other woman?? A combination of a broken heart and dishonesty. I was in a turbulent relationship when I met MM, and when I met him a year a half ago, he was separated (had moved into his friends' home). When I met MM, we immediately had this strong attraction, but I was still in love with my ex, so it wasn't an immediate connection. Over time, MM and I became great friends, and I would say, our growing connection may have given me the strength to cut ties in my long term relationship.

However, I was oblivious to the fact that MM had moved home to give his marriage yet another go. A little over three months ago, I was having a conversation with one of his good friends, and I casually mentioned that MM's phone calls had died off in recent weeks. He responds, "Yeah, he has moved home to his wife. He moved home over 3 months ago..." My mouth dropped and I almost died. Not because I had deep feelings for MM (which to this day, I don't...I could easily let him go...if I wanted to), but because I had been seeing a married man. I didn't get mad because the signs were there, but I was still shocked. I didn't talk to MM for a month after I found out. I ended up seeing him at a party, and he pulled me aside and apologized for everything. I guess because I can't hold a grudge and I know he has a good heart, I decided to forgive him, and we started back seeing each other soon after.

Do I feel guilty?? At the moment no. People can place the blame on the other woman all they want, but I'm not the one who's married...he is. And if it's not me, then it's someone else...in fact, I know that I'm not the first woman he's stepped outside of his marriage with, and I know I probably won't be the last.

I DO feel sorry for him, because even though I don't know his situation at home (we have an understood don't ask, don't tell policy between us which works out GREAT for me, but his friends tell me their marriage is hanging on by threads), he transforms from jovial to stoic when he has to go home. In the past few weeks, I feel like he's becoming conflicted with his own feelings and thoughts, because he's asked me questions about marrying him and made statements about wanting a family with me and if I would have his baby, as if he's looking for a way out.

*sigh*

I never meant for it to get to this point. I really am just having fun. For once, I'm letting go of all of the bull and just enjoying the moment....doing me. I absolutely love MM's company. He has a great sense of humor. He's unselfish. I could go on for days saying how great he is. For once, I'm seeing a man, and instead of living my life to make a man happy, a man is happy with me just being me.