I Need Your Opinion

Hi.

I have a dilemma that is very serious in nature. I can't really talk to anyone about it because I would divulging very personal information, so I'm turning to my blog for help.

I know this woman who is HIV positive (I will call her H). However, I'm not supposed to know--I was told this information by a few of her family members. Mind you, I am not very close to H--she's more of an acquaintance.

The issue at hand--everytime I see H out and about, she goes home with a different guy. Already, I had to let H's cousin know that she was interested in this one guy we are both friends with, and her cousin warned the guy about her condition.

Last night, I was out, and H and this guy that I know---they were flirting. I even overheard him say that he wanted to leave and go somewhere else. My dilemma is--how do I handle this?? Do I tell the guy personally that he should get tested, OR do I not say anything? I feel like I'm doing a HUGE injustice to not say anything at all.

Already, this has changed my behaviors, because now when I go out, I have no idea who has been with H, and I find that to be a tad bit disturbing to say the least. Talk about a wake up call!! Talking to H about her behavior is not an option, because apparently her family members have already tried multiple times to no avail. From what I understand, she only gets mad and doesn't talk to people when they beat her over the brain that she should be more careful.

This sucks.

Coming Out Of Hiding

Hi everyone!!! I guess it's about time that I come out of hiding. For a while, I was a bit undecided on how to proceed with this blog...I have a few visits from my area logged on the sitemeter, and I have no idea who it could be. I could go private but I don't feel like that's the way to go. But for the sake of preventing craziness from happening, I will refrain from discussing certain topics (people) in detail on here. I am finally in a place of peace and by no means am I trying to get sucked back into the past.

So what have I been up to?? Keeping hella busy. When I leave work, I either meet up with friends, or go somewhere to listen to live music. I have taken up my hobby of Latin dancing again, so that keeps me occupied as well. And it's my favorite time of year.... FOOTBALL season lol (what, did you think I would say the Holiday season??!! Bah humbug lol)

Well, I will catch up on my reading asap. Until next time, everyone take care!!

The past few weeks have been extremely emotional for me, and it seems like I have spent a lot of time crying. And yes, it's over him.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel like MM is not worthy of my tears, but it still hurts. I'm hurting because I knew better to even get involved with him to begin with. I am better. I'll post about what happened at a later date---when I'm not so emotional and can think coherently.

Tonight, my friend (who's shoulder I have been crying on a lot lately...more than I cared to, but I love her for always being there for me) made me make a list of demands. She made me write out a list of minimum requirements that I have to demand from any guy that I date. It's a small list, but hey, it's a start. So....here it goes:

1. They have to be single---as in no girlfriend, and definitely no wife.
2. They have to respect me.
3. I can't be the only person making an effort (as far as communication or spending time together)...it has to be 50/50.

Seems simple, right? Well, simple seems hard to find nowadays. Oh well. Whatever.

This is not like me to be weepy all of the time....it seems like I've lost myself. Here's to getting back on track.

Getting it Up

Ahhh, the joys of sex...or not being able to get any.

I hope that I don't offend anyone with this post. If so, don't take it personal.

I want to talk about something that has been somewhat of an 'issue' in recent years. Not a big issue, but an issue none the less.

When I was in my early 20s, it was rare to come across men who had.....issues in the bedroom (in case you're wondering what I'm speaking of, I'm talking about erectile dysfunction). I could have sex for what seemed like hours, and life was grand. I did come across one or two men who would...go soft in the middle of sex, and then attempt to ram a soft penis into my apple pie hole---that would only leave me feeling---sad. I'm serious, after getting my hopes up of a great night of sex, I would get a little sad and depressed because---the anticipation of a great night of sex never materialized.

A decade later.....sex is different. I tend to date men who are about five or more years older than me, so...I've come to realize that erectile dysfunction is more common than not for me nowdays. Maybe it's because I live in a party city and there's a lot of alcohol consumption going on. I dunno.

Well, my question is.....is it okay to suggest a supplement?? Is it taboo for me to say, "your stamina is not quite what it used to be..." Okay, I wouldn't be that frank about it, but is it okay or not okay to make that suggestion? I know that sex is greatly linked to a man's ego, and to suggest that he's not quite 'hitting the mark' is a blow to the ego so.......what is a girl to do??!! Now, I'm not afraid to say what I want and don't want in bed, but how do you tell someone that erectile dysfunction is a problem?

A Month Later...

Hi All!!

Since the last time I blogged, I can't report of anything new...persay.

I have grown more and more discontent with my job. Now, it's at the point where I have many days where I sit in my car when I arrive to work for 30 minutes just trying to talk myself into going inside. There are many a day lately where I leave work and have a strong drink...yesterday my boss and I actually had one together after work, because she wanted to vent about her stresses. I wanted to tell her, "what you're experiencing, you're doing the exact same thing to me." But that saying that would probably get me fired.

I planned to enroll in school--since we have a hiring freeze enacted at work, I can't get tuition reimbursement. Which sux.

My love life?? Status quo. I meet men, but nothing ever materializes.

And MM?? Well.....

It seems like we're getting along. I'm sure that's only temporary. Especially since his wife is keeping a tighter reign on him.

Apparently, his wife is making comments to him about his infidelity (I was right--she knows), and is keeping a close watch on him. They came together to his friend's party this weekend (which is odd because she never attended social events until recently). She was visibly upset the entire time she was there--she sat in a corner and didn't say anything to anyone, while MM left her side and mingled. After being at the party for maybe 15 minutes, she stormed out, and MM was not too far behind. Apparently, she gave MM a hard time about me being there.

Sooo...that's what I've been up to. A month later, same shit, just a different day. So much for making changes.

Pause

A lot of times when I sit down to write, nothing comes out (unless I'm venting about some weirdness with MM lol). Lately, I have been a bit concerned about my anonymity--especially since the last time I had a blog, I was 'found out' (even though I never put pictures of myself up). There are a lot of things that I want to write about, but can't because it would blow me completely out of the water. I could go private....but that defeats the title of this blog.

So...for right now, I am going on hiatus. I will still hang around and comment, but for right now, I will not write. I have a strong feeling that some changes are about to occur, so I need to sit back and focus on making things happen in my life and getting myself together for whatever is to come.

I'll be back soon:) Everyone take care, and I'll be visiting!!

Friday came and went....no phone call from MM. So much for "spending time with me."

He did call today.

For the most part, I was distant during the whole conversation. I think I've had it with him right now.

"Since we're on the phone right now, I'm going to wish you a Happy Father's day. I know you will be tied up, so I'm not going to bother you with a phone call tomorrow."
"I'm working tomorrow, so it's cool. What are you doing?"
"Excuse me?"
"Where are you?"

I hesitated for a moment, then I realized that I haven't had a real conversation with this man since this conversation.

"Why??? You shouldn't care since I haven't seen you in a while, right?"

He chuckled.

"I'm just saying..."
"I'm coming to see you on Monday or Tuesday."
"I'm working, so that doesn't work for me. Besides, you wanted to see yesterday and I didn't hear from you."
"I'm coming to see you on Monday or Tuesday night."
"You are only as good as your word. And your word is worthless to me."

I'm sorry, I've had it with him. I don't care anymore.

Sounding irritated, he said, "Hmmm. So now I'm a convulsive liar????"
"I'm just saying, I don't count on you to keep your word about anything with me. I would be crazy if I did expect you to."
"Hmmm. So you are saying I'm a convulsive liar."
"Majority of the time, you don't keep your word with me. Maybe you should work on that."

After I said that, I felt bad, but at the same time, I felt it should be said. I understand that he has obligations, but all that I ask for is a phone call every now and then. When things are good, I get that from him. But when the phone calls are scarce and his focus is elsewhere, whenever he makes plans, I don't even get the courtesy of a phone call when he doesn't show...even the next day or days after. It's like he thinks his shit doesn't stink when it does.

"Perhaps."
"Well, let me let you go. I have to go myself."
"Do you?"
"Yes, I do. Enjoy your day tomorrow. Bye bye."

I was proud of myself. I did exactly what I said I would do with that conversation...keep it short, and at the same time, let him know that I was not pleased with him. I think I'm at a point where I'm trying to put distance between us. I haven't been hanging out at Our Friend's house, and I think if I stay away from there, I will have a great chance of staying away from him as a whole. I mean, he expects me to answer his phone calls immediately, but when he doesn't call me even a day or two later, he's exempt??!!

I'm beginning to realize just unfair this whole ordeal is to me, and I don't like it one bit.

I Want to Escape

Today, I returned from one of the most fun filled vacations that I've ever had. It was nice to escape my life for a few days. It did not take too long after my return for my reality to slap me in the face and kill the post vacation buzz that I had going.

I came home, undressed, and got into bed...slept for a few hours, since I had the bright idea to just stay out last night until we had to get to the airport for 445am this morning (I am so feeling the effects of lack of sleep right now).

Not too long after I woke up from my nap, MM called. I hate to say it, but when I saw his number on my screen, I felt a bit of....dread. For some reason, I just sensed that I would not enjoy this conversation.

"Hi MM."
"Hey. Are you at home yet?"
"Yes, I'm in the bed as we speak. I'm so tired."
"Tired from partying all week?"
"I'm tired because we stayed up all night until we boarded the plane this morning."
"I bet you partied your ass off. I called and left messages, and you didn't even bother to return any of them. I figured you were having the time of your life."
**He did call me while I was away and left messages, but you know what?? For once, I did not return his phone calls or voice messages. I didn't want to think about him while I was away. And since he wasn't really calling before I left, I didn't feel the need to talk to him while I was away.**
I chuckled. "Actually, I did. I hated to come home. So....how have you been?"
"I'm okay. I've been working everyday since you left."

Awkward silence for a few seconds.

"Well, I'll let you go since you were sleeping."
"I wasn't sleeping when you called. Are you working tomorrow?"
"Yes, bright and early. When do you go back to work?"
"Monday."
"That's when I'm off again. Actually, when I get off on Sunday, I'm on vacation for a week."
"Is that right?"
"Yeah. I've decided to go on the trip to Florida."

With that statement, my day went from good to bad in 0.5 seconds. I have no idea why I was so disgusted...I should have known he would go on vacation with his wife.

Again, there was an awkward silence...he was silent trying to gauge my reaction...I was silent because my heart was in my fucking throat.
"How long will you be away?"
"A week."
"Well, good for you!!" I knew I was being sarcastic, but I am furious!! Okay, maybe I'm bit jealous. This really caught me off guard. Maybe it's just that I'm just getting home, and I didn't want to hear this shit tonight!! I mean, he ruined my night with this crap!!
"Well, a few of my friends and their wives are going as well."
"That's wonderful. I'm sure you will have a nice trip."
"I don't know about that."
"You don't know about what?"
"If it will be a nice trip or not."

I just ignored that statement. It's apparent to me that MM is full of shit.
"Well, all of a sudden, I am sleepy after all." I faked a yawn.
"Okay, I'll call you tomorrow when I get off."
"Whatever. I don't think that would be a good idea. We'll catch up after your trip, okay?"
"Miz, please, don't be upset. I wanted to see you tomorrow."
I sighed. The last thing I want to do is see him. Or touch him. Or be near him.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
He sighed and changed the subject. "Did you buy me a hat like you did last time?"
"I bought something for you, but it's not a hat."
He chuckled. "Oh, my baby thought about me....I'll come and get it from you tomorrow, okay?? I want to spend some time with you before I leave on Tuesday."
"Goodnight MM." I hung up the phone without listening for a response.

Now, as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm crying. Why??? Not because he's taking a trip with his wife....he's supposed to do that. She is his wife, and that's what husbands are supposed do with their wives. I'm crying because for four days, I didn't have to deal with any of this. I didn't have a care in the world. I didn't have to think about MM and his wife, or my job, or how chaotic my life has been the past few years. Now that I am home, I realize that I don't want to do this anymore. I had a discussion with a friend the other day, and she told me that I looked like I had a lot of things weighing on my mind when she first saw me on Sunday. She said I looked like something was tearing away at me. I couldn't do anything but agree. Yes, all of this crap is taking its toll on me. I have wrecked havoc to my own heart, and I'm at a job where I don't feel appreciated.

I wish I could just make it all just disappear. I don't believe in running from problems, but I don't feel like any of the things I'm enduring right now are things that I need in my life long-term. At this moment (and really, I've been considering this all week), I feel like I need to move the hell away from here. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, maybe not, but that's how I feel right now.

This has been a crazy week. I'm trying to seek new employment because my boss is not making any real effort to give me the pay increase that she promised back in September. If I was not in charge of reconciling our monthly expenses and did not have a clue of the funds she has to use, then it would be no biggie since we are in a recession. However, in the past, she has always been slow to give pay increases (I even left to go work elsewhere for 6 months and came back when she bumped my pay by $7000/year), so I feel the need to go elsewhere again, especially since my work load has increased threefold in the past two years. The only issue is that there are not a lot of jobs available (which is an issue everywhere).....aye yay yay.

This week, I guess I've been evaluating my friendships. Some of the people that I hang around are not my real friends, and some things happened this week that showed me just that. Needless to say, I spent the past two days going in my phone and deleting phone numbers. I'm someone who take my friendships seriously, so when you do something to stab me in the back, or repeatedly do so, I can't ignore it anymore.....I let the person go. Life is too short to have to deal with silliness. And the thing of the matter is I hang around people who are mostly 10 years older than I am, but some of them are more immature than people 10 years younger.

And as predicted, MM has not called since our conversation the other day. I deleted his number too. I'm debating whether or not to give him a father's day phone call...I'm leaning towards no. I'm kinda at a point where I'm ready to move on from this fuckery.

But whatever. I'm leaving to go on vacation tomorrow. I need a week to not think about this crap. You all take care while I'm away!

Update: I thought Father's Day was tomorrow!! See how out of sorts I am!!! lol

Soooooo.....

Apparently, I was right in my whole analysis of the situation.

"Soooooo....I just have to ask, because I'm trying to understand exactly what is going on..... and I feel that since I'm an involved party, I have the right to know. Do you remember the conversation we had on Sunday, or were you shit faced?
Playing dumb. "What exactly do you want me to remember?"
"About your wife...."
"Oh yeah, I remember. Well, if she knows, she has not said anything to me."
"Well, she knows. I'm saying that from a woman's perspective...for her to make the comments that she did while I was sitting there, she knows, and she wanted to let me know she knew."
"She hasn't said anything to me."
"Do you really expect her to?"
"No.......I believe you, trust me, I do. I guess she wouldn't say anything to me.....yet."
"I don't think she would."
"My guess, she doesn't have anything concrete.....she hasn't gathered enough evidence... so she wouldn't."
"I've come to that conclusion as well. Now, my question to you.....what exactly are you trying to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"I've noticed how careless you have become with your actions. At your brother's party...you were grabbing me in front of everyone...including your parents. You're usually more discreet. What has gotten into you?????"
Chuckling, he said, "I don't know."
"The moment she left on Sunday, you were grabbing me, and her friend was watching me...I looked up and our eyes met....you were not as discreet as you have been in the past...that's why I told you to stop. Now, I want to know, exactly what are you doing....are you trying to let her figure it out on her own, by your actions? Do you not care if you get caught??"

After a long pause, he said "I don't know."
I repeated his words. "I don't know."
"I don't know."
"Well, you know what? Thank you for the attempt at honesty. I wish you had told me that she would be there Sunday when you called though."
"I didn't know she was coming. She just showed up."
"Really."
"Really. She showed up after you. Is this what you're really all bent out of shape about?"

That statement let me know that he really is either oblivious or really doesn't give a crap's ass.

"Nooooo.......I want to get it all out in the open. I wanted to know exactly what you're doing."
"So you're trying to tell me to be more careful and to stop doing what I'm doing with you????"
"I'm just trying to delve into the mind of MM right now. Maybe it's the analytical side of me...I want to know what you're thinking. You say over and over you're living your life...that you are. But.....if I am going to be in the middle, I want to know what the hell you're thinking. That's all I want to know."

After a long pause, he said, "I don't know."
"Well, at least I know that much."

And predictably (I was surprised it didn't happen earlier in the conversation), he rushed off of the phone....
"Hey, I'm at work, I'll call you later."
"I'm working as well. I'll talk to you later babe."
"Okay. Bye."

So, to me, this conversation kinda proves that he indeed is being careless and does not care if she knows.

I had an open conversation with one of my compadres tonight....and his take on the entire situation is..... don't let him use me to get rid of her. He said he thought I was a better person to let myself get caught in the middle of something like this (but things happen sometimes dammit), and he said that I should just disappear until MM leaves her...because he's left her before and he went back.

Honestly, I am in a tail spin right now. I am being realistic about it all, but I guess sanity is setting in, and I feel like "Whoa.....I'm really setting myself up to be in the middle of craziness just for him to be with her at the end of the day." And just in all honesty, I never thought of it like that before. Before, I was just having fun, enjoying his company. Now, it's a new ballgame....she knows (even if she doesn't want to admit she does), and to me, unless MM knows what he wants to do, then is this even worth it??? What's the point of her knowing unless he's ready to take the ultimate step??!!!

Aye yay yay!!!